Whether or not we like it in this life there is a line between us and everyone else.. I do believe we all come from Source and maybe in some lifetimes some souls choose to take on the burden of others.. It is so on my mind, this issue with all the drama over Scott right now.. I feel so hamstrung, scared to talk to my brother who believes I was scammed, unable to let go of the need to help when knowing it just rest on these airport charges and sometimes I cry with longing while at other times I am fighting like hell and have the shits to have been put through so much over the past 3 years.. that said somethings just seem to come to us and having the insight of astrology helps me to put it all in a larger context.. Scott’s Sun Mars Venus Uranus conjuction in Libra aspects stuff in my Dad’s as well as my brother and dead sister’s chart and squares my own Mars Saturn Moon conjunction in Aquarius which is in a tension aspect with Pluto (when underground abandonment fear is triggered in me he really does end up getting a serve!!)..
Add to this that over the next few weeks Venus in Aries is moving towards a square with transiting Pluto in Capricorn while it meets with the Sun and Chiron and its no wonder that I have felt myself to be on fire today with every single contact we have. There is no place to hide and no place to rest and self will is not any kind of option when any of the inner planets square or are challenged by Pluto which stirs the hidden waters deep.
I love this song by the Australian rappers Bliss n’ Esso.. I was listening to it full bore in the car on the way to do my groceries today….
the issue of being ‘lost at sea’ being surrounded by and caught up in huge waves speaks to me of my life in my family and in my sobriety.. as I was (in my therapist’s words) trying ‘to find my sea legs’. So often it was the familial and multi generational Neptunian torrent of emotion I was swept up in whose roots were for so long not available to my conscious mind, only pulling on my body and soul like hidden tides and eddies, the echoes of which flow through my cells sometimes burning, sometimes reducing me to floods of tears. sometimes resulting in accidents which shattered me bodily and emotionally.
I had a moment ago just after finishing lunch when my GGG Grandad, Thomas was with me. He went through a lot, he left his family in Cornwall at time of difficult financial circumstances there, in order to find a new livelihood, he had 16 children to support and then he after he arrived in New Zealand, started to work at a brewery and abuse alcohol as well as become abusive with his family, so much that my GGG Grandmother eventually decided to leave him some time late in the 19th century. I do not know all of it, only what other descendants on that maternal side shared with my Nana’s grand niece a while back, after I first got sober. But I feel him and his frustration and even his guilt and grief calling out to me on some days as I cry and when I do I try to remind him, he did his best and it was not his fault that he did not know how to handle his grief, overwhelm and all of the other emotions and pressures he must have been under during those years 1875 to the early 1900s.
Well this issue of being trapped and in a lot of frustration is where Scott is to a T.. as he said to me today “can you imagine how hard it is to have thought I would be out of here 4 months ago only to face this again?” The Easter period is super tough over there, Boko Haram go hard at this time of year, before Easter they kidnapped a lot of people and sent a young girl with suicide bomb into a church, on Easter Eve they attacked the city and the village and set fire to buildings and churches.. these terrorists are hard core and there is no letting up and the Commanding Officer seems to be taking it on board as a personal failure that they cannot get the threat under control. but I have said to Scott before that I feel Boko Haram is in many ways like a 9 headed Hydra and the more they try to cut off those heads the more they grow back and the fiercer is their will to dominate the place by power..
That said is it really a protective need that has the US Military there or is it about the resources over there that America wants? I do not know I only know the man I care for is stuck over there.. and could be out of there were this final money. (which is owed to me but being held back by my brother somehow thinking he is protecting me!). It may look like a scam, smell like a scam but the things he tells me could only be told to me by someone who is genuine.. I firmly believe this.
Anyway back to Bliss N Esso I was thinking about that desire to be ‘saved’ from drowning and how it is essential we have a helping hand. Yes, it is us who must do the hard core emotional work, but we also need light showers and path helpers..
I was thinking too of the lovely relationship portrayed in that movie about anorexia To The Bone between the two lead characters Ellen (Eli) and Luke.. it is Luke who confronts Ellen’s darkness, her fear, her shame, her guilt, her belief that human relationships are not to be trusted so common to survivors of emotional neglect or trauma. Ellen accuses him of using her when really he just wants to be connected, something that she (as an emotionally abandoned avoidant can only run from!)
I was watching an interview last night with two young schoolgirls here in Australia, both victims of rape who are calling for there to be more education of young boys on the issue of consent.. one of the girls was drugged and then raped by an older man who complimented her.. she said she was vulnerable and that the entire process (most especially the painful aftermath in which victims must report the crime only to be victim or ‘slut’ shamed) have made her believe she will never have sex again or trust another man.. To me this felt not only wrong but sad.. We are put here to face our traumas, not to let them make our lives smaller and smaller, but I also understood her view and was surprised at how angry it made me to hear her saying this.. The girl was being interviewed by Australian journalist, Lisa Wilkinson, on the Sunday Project and Lisa nearly started crying at one point.. her distress over the young girl’s pain was just so so visible.
While writing this I am thinking of Chiron, now in the Mars ruled sign of Aries too. The glyph for Mars is almost like a male penis shooting its life semen out and the opposite principle in astrology is, of course, the Venus ruled sign Libra.. The woman receives the seed of the creative life force but when this is forced upon her aggressively it is like a wound because the boundary was violated completely by that aggressive force.. So many of us woman would live in fear of this kind of thing.. even though I deeply believe God or the creative life force designed sex to be a sacred act.. in our society which is so wounded in the feminine principle sex has just become this twisted out of shape thing that is becoming so ugly contorted and distorted. There does not seem to be any capacity for understanding either of the forces of unlove that lead boys to believe all kinds of ugly things about what sex actually should be and that turn them into both predators and abusers..
Gone off a bit on a tangent here today…. but when topical things go down it is very interesting to me to explore the archetypal themes of the day… and when it comes to the issue of ‘salvation’ perhaps it is a cojoined thing… we need each other so we can learn and grow, just as the actress Lily Collins was helped by the writer of that movie To The Bone to gain insight into more levels of her own struggle with an eating disorder.. did fate unite them, so they could both be helped? It is my belief that it did.
Some say they are saved by Christ. Some of us get to be saved by love.. I am thinking of people like Johnny Cash here, whose partner June was of such help when he was struggling with his own demons as well as addiction. In the end June could not save him but she was there to hold his hand and yet a line separated them as it does with all of us who struggle like hell to come to terms with inner demons and jailors of our past trauma.. And it is only we who can face he reaper and defy him, he who wants to cut us off from any kind of salvation, connection or merging with others souls with whom we share the same source.
When our spirit leaves this earth the ones we loved we leave behind and yet forever a part of them will remain with us hidden deeply here inside the memories and longings we had to share and touch as well as taste all of those blessings and agonies of life that presented themselves while we travelled those parallel pathways along the road of life together or as part of the familial stream that semen gave birth too all along the spiral generational pathway
Emerging From The Dark Night 