The approach of Easter brings memories

The approach of Easter is bringing up a lot of family sadness today.. I went to collect my sister’s mail as I need to visit her tomorrow.. I had a busy week and I feel she has been neglected over there in that place where no one much connects to her emotionally.. I blame myself but that’s my pattern and not a good one.. and I am feeling all of the resonances today, as my older sister who died in 2014 was put into hospital on Good Friday and the circumstances surrounding that shock decision by my brother who was never there for her much are so much on my mind. I was just listening to the Foreigner song I Want To Know What Love Is and crying on the way home from the very busy fruit and veggie markets.. I do know what love it is and I try my best to give it. and feeling the grief is feeling the love..

My older sister showed me love but loving her brought pain as she left so may times then fell ill. I visited her a lot in the home when I could and those memories are always with me.. I know its the past but someone who is such a huge part of your soul journey is never gone from you, their influence hovers over you and Jude, being almost a loving Mum (she was 16 when I was born) was a huge influence in mine. Her aneurysm shattered our entire family but coming on the back of me nearly dying 5 months earlier it all cast a huge cut through my development and I was 18 when she came unstuck and my education got derailed.. I never fully came back from it..

I draw close to Jude in spirit. A magpie visited today and came very close when birds are close like this I see them as spirit messengers.. I had an encounter with a black crow a few weeks ago I wrote a poem about and only recently posted. In my shamanic journeys when the spirit left my sister’s body I saw it as a black crow flying home.. I had many visions around her after going into retreat following the head injury of 2005 and having a number of cranio sacral treatments to deal with the aftermath of the head injury.. One sad thing was that my ex partner was very cruel about Jude when we visited her.. that came up today and I saw how painful it was trying to be there and not being understood or supported in that.

Jude passed in the early hours of Easter Sunday. I spent from 6 pm to 1 am on Easter Saturday evening with her.. some special quiet time alone before all of her boys flew in, the last one, the oldest from Singapore.. we got united in that death having had to make the painful decision to take her off life support. I wanted to leave before she left.. to let go I had said my goodbyes with her as I sat holding her hand in the ICU unit. she passed at 3 am.. I woke to a message from one of the boys early on Easter Sunday with that news. .

My living sister was hospitalized on the day of her funeral.. She never got to grieve and they were not super close.. Jude was always stronger and more outspoken and clashed with my Mum and my other sister was very bonded to her as a Saturn return baby being born when Mum was 30. Each parent child relationship is different.. but my living sister is so on my mind today. I know what love is but loving her at times hurt me so deeply.. I forgive it now I hate to see her only half alive like this.. I will be there as much as I can .. these tears I cry are for a reason.. I prayed a lot today to both God and the Holy Spirit.. I was told every tear has a purpose and the angels see each one.. Please pray for my sister if you can.. I will never give up hope as long as I live that God can turn this around.. I want to be less self centered about the hurts after all she did a lot of loving things too.. but it was never easy when she had those nasty cutting bi polar moments. The words she used could be cruel. Now I realize it was just the way her dis-ease manifested… it was not the whole of her.