Helping

Helping Scott these past three years has been one of the most scary things I have ever done.. Lately I have had to trust in God and the feeling I have, I am not sure I believe in soul mates for a life time but I do believe there are soul connections that come into our lives and sustain us for a season, a reason or a life time. From many we learn lessons or may even go through pain that helps us both fall and rise…. I know when I met my ex husband Jonathan the guidance was there to go to a certain place where we met.. It was almost like angels whispered in my ear on that cold June night in 1993. And we shared just so much in common, we had both lost our fathers to cancer around the same age. We both had partners reject us a short time after.. Like me Jonathan went overseas to Greece and then came to Australia. I was also in Greece for a time where I reunited by the guy who threw me over after Dad died then got betrayed again..

I don’t resent that betrayal of Jim’s anymore.. Now, I am just of the opinion we have phases in our life and sometimes the path we are on diverges from the one our loved one is taking.. I know when Jonathan finally decided to walk out he had tried for some time and I was struggling with a lot..I know now he wanted a baby and I could not give him that at that stage in my life.. It was a responsible choice, I feel to terminate that pregnancy, call it an intuition we would not last and Lorna Byrne’s book on angels made me cry last year when she reminds those who decided to abort a child that the child knows and forgives. so the right to lifers don’t have a clue as far as I am concerned, sometimes its more responsible to not have a baby if you feel you cannot give it the right things at the right time, or it may just be a choice our soul makes but not one that shoud ever be condemned or judged.

I fell into such a dark hole, though after Jonathan left, if only my feelings made sense to him and he could not shut down but I even got validation over that from a friend we made in the last place we lived who told me he though J was ‘one of the most emotionally shut down people I know.” I love my ex but it was the end for us then, much as I ran overseas and then came to grief but even that was about me being angry over something someone did that rebounded on me.. I got a full insight into that over the past few weeks through meditation and reading back my old journals. If I had had more emotional maturity I would not have come to so much grief.. But I was also alone struggling with enormous feelings.

Scott came into my life around the first time my sister was hospitalized following Mum’s death. It happened after the first probate meeting I was not included in.. that was when Scott and I connected and he has been trying to be with me ever since.. Anyway some of my older followers know what i have been through I am not posting more details but I just pray he will be out soon.. Its the only way my family will ever believe he actually is who he has claimed to be.. For me I have no more doubts..but its still bloody scary being the one holding the responsibility to help after my sister collapsed again last June..

All of this is all multi-generational anyway.. The first baby my Great Great Grandparents lost died within a few months of them arriving in New Zealand on the 12th of March 1875 following that 3 month sea crossing and another died on my sister’s birthday.. She always is sad about the fact she can take no joy in the fact her younger son will have a baby in April, feels unwell enough to go up and visit.. Its just more of the old pattern. I wish the bloody psychiatrist understood all of this.. Anyway all I can do is pray and hold fast to what my intuition tells me to do and that is to walk forward in fearless courage despite fear.. A while back Scott told me this acronym for F.E.A.R. Face Everything And Rise.. shrinking back is no longer an option. As Jesus said to Lazarus when he was ailing “take up your bed and walk” no one else has power over your muscles and limbs but you. No one can help you walk through those fires of fear to help.. God knows I have seen my mother and two sisters endure so much.. As my Good mate Corey says I will not stop fighting (or trying to help others) until I die..