Life is change, at times it is fear and uncertainty.. holding through difficult times and emotions when you do not have a good grip on this world or even your inner life can be hard. I think back now to where I ended up in 2002 pulling back within as so much trauma had gone on in my life I had not really ever been able to process.. Getting sober 9 years earlier showed me my life was burning down on some level. I even had a dream I escaped a burning building after my father came to the door warning me to leave in the month after I got sober in 1993.. I stood behind bushes and watched it burn to the ground and then came waves of love and grief for my Dad whose death I had not been able to process.
Reading back the journals around the time of my head injury 3 years later (from 2002) showed me a lot more this week. It is very hard to see where we are emotionally and at that time of my life things just dissolved again, my husband decided to leave, I felt a push to want to live back in the land of my ancestors, England. I had that big conflict with my sister and then ran away over there again only to crash again.. But even then I got help from the Universe. A lovely girl from my Dad’s home town in Holland was sent to help me after I got out of hospital. We ended up developing a bond but then I ran again as the family I lodged with found me too sad… God knows relationships were never easy for me.. I always found myself at loggerheads with people lacking empathy. That said by that point I had already been through so much that it would have taken a very special someone to understand..
I thank God anyway for the people there for me in Glastonbury then which is where I went after that family said they found my own grief ‘too triggering’.. I felt the need to come home.again though after 3 months there. I am glad in a way, tough as those years prior to my older sister and mother’s death were with cancer thrown into the mix in 2016 I still got to battle things out and God knows when the Universe shows us it is time t go into the cocoon of awakening and transformation we have to do the work to grow wings to emerge.. maybe all of my twists and turns and spasms and conflicts and all that went on prior to finding this stable therapist of mine who has been so much help around the time of my cancer diagnosis in 2016 were all necessary.. Even what is happening with my living sister is also all part of a plan as I see it now.. It is said we do not choose to be born but some believe that we DO CHOOSE exactly the family and parents we need to develop certain soul attributes.. This does make some sense to me.. It can take us out of a victim mindset, that said we didnt ’cause’ the nasty things that happened to us but it us up to us to use them as the fuel for inner growth and transformation.
I listened to an interview with Wayne Dyer earlier on attitude and spirituality.. He was actually put in a home when he was young but he had a spiritual connection even from that age.. He said that he always tried to keep his attitude as positive as he could, I think even at that tender age of 7 he knew that if he did not champion himself no one else was going to do it… He also talks a lot in that interview about the limitations of negative ego …the part of us that can cause us to separate from this sense of ourselves as connected to source and to others and from a deeper sense of ourselves as eternal spiritual beings having a human experience… Maybe the lesson many of us come to learn involves how to love even those who challenge us..
My sister is a lot on my mind this afternoon.. I want to call her but I am not sure she will pick up the phone. My feeling are dual.. Part of me wants to visit her, another part thinks it may be better to pray and send her good vibes from a distance.. I just drove home past Mum’s old unit where my sister lives now and thought of how on Saturday nights so often we would all go out for a meal together… I seem to have worked through a lot of my grief over Mum, I grieved for many years before she died.. I accepted it was her time.. I know life moves on.. I do feel my Mum around me..
Watching movies and shows like The Kominsky Method which deal with grief helps me. to know grief, loss, endings and change are all just a part of the human experience. This helps. Soon I will make a nice dinner, Jasper got a lovely bone from the butcher’s earlier.. He has been yelping with a sore paw this afternoon.. I do not know what has happened as he wont let me near it as he was fine yesterday.. apart from that all is well. I can hold these feelings for my sister.. And today I can be grateful… that I am alive and that over time there are less tears than there used to be on Saturday afternoons. I will keep praying and centring inwardly to sense what God or the Universe’s will is for me surrounding my sister.
Emerging From The Dark Night 