Knowing and finding my happiness

After so many years of loss, pain, hurt and sadness I am finally beginning to touch base with happiness. I read another lovely comment on a post I shared about earlier on which someone else commented where the writer said how when it comes to life and living they follow their heart.. It is how I am trying to live lately.. Like this morning my reasoning mind told me I needed to eat breakfast but in my heart I wanted to get out and touch the day with Jasper, be around people, walk those village streets my Mum and Nana used to walk, get a coffee go sit in the car by the church and write my blog.. so that is what I did..

After this I got home, tidied up a bit, tried to put together my new television which has been sitting in a box by the credenza for a week now without success (i dont have screwdriver that is working) made some bacon and eggs and listened to the book program which I have been loving… And I feel really happy today, really content, really serene, really at peace.

It’s funny because I am now thinking I didn’t ever have to help others get out of a messy situation but then again even in following my heart, my natural inclination is to help if I am able.. It was good to be by the side of family who were suffering but often I got hurt and with this situation with Scott, to be honest at times it has been hurting me and causing me worry and stress. I think if the bank blocks it this final time I am going to stop helping I just want to be free to live my own life instead of taking on the karma of other people..

That said at times I wonder if I am too independent.. it would have been nice to have some guy here to help me assemble the television but so often in childhood my parents did not let me develop a sense of competency by muddling through, so these days its good for me to struggle a bit alone and have to find the right solution and if I meet a dead end, ask for help. Maybe as younger child I also got conditioned to look to others a bit too much for my cues, maybe in a family where the heart did not figure much (being very productivity and business oriented) I got the message that my heart, happiness, true feelings and needs did not figure much.. In fact when I talk about heart matters with my brother its all down to a bottom line of economy and making the most money he can.. Even though he is absolutely loaded it does not seem he can find the joy in spending his money and he came down really hard on my sister for ordering some chairs from Italy herself when he could have got her a better price even though she had more than enough money to pay for them.

Anyway I observing all of this rather than judging per se as when my brother was young Mum and Dad really struggled financially…there is a saying money cannot buy happiness but to be honest i get a lot of pleasure from things I buy such as books and lovely pieces of art or decorative items.. I see them all as very infused with the light of spirit.. Every single item in my home either connects me to my family, my past or my soul in some way.. so why would I want to just see all of these things as only ‘stuff?” I will never be a minimalist.. I am just not wired that way and it seems to me on reflection that happiness and joy come from knowing what and who we are as well as what we love that makes me happy and brings my inner spirit to a sense of uplift and enthusiasm and joy!

if I hit sad things I can still be happy if I am allowed to feel that sadness. And these days no one is able to block me from feeling and expressing my feelings, even if they show contempt I will stand by what I feel. For me this is the way I most easily find my own happiness.

Postscipt :

After posting this I actually read a really useful article on what happens when we bottle up our true feelings. I tried to embed it but the link did not work. I notice more latelt where I stuff my feelings and when I get that inner message something isn’t true to my own feeling values. It’s taking time to get untested but it is happening slowly.