Guilt

Whenever I post anything negative about my family I suffer a backlash of guilt. The inner critic gets on my case and asks me, am I being an adult in making these comments.. is this a kind of criticism that is coming out of my own pain.. I am not entirely sure of the answer.. I am glad I have therapy today so that I can get a reality check.

Often the words of the Al Anon closing for meetings come to me at such times “let there be no gossip or criticism of one another.. instead let the peace, love and understanding of the fellowship surround us.” I also think of the words of Jesus..”Let he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Possibly we all long to be seen and truly known.. Possibly we all fear not measuring up to some invisible standard, maybe many of us are subject to self doubt and use various ways to cope and I am sure many of us struggle with emotions and emotional relating in relationships, especially with immediate family.

I thought a lot about this fear of not measuring up after reading Benny K’s latest post on imposter syndrome. It is something my oldest nephew spoke to me about many years ago (around the time his mother died.) Benny said that he often struggles with self doubt and that in his 30 years of sobriety he has learned to be open, honest and vulnerable about it.. Benny was bullied a lot as a child and so I can fully understand where his fear came from, but even those who bully probably also suffer from the same fears even if they identify with the stronger position of ‘the aggressor.”

Its difficult for me when my anger with my brother eclipses my tolerance, compassion and love. But in truth anger or hate is not the opposite of love, but indifference is.. There is something I long for from my brother that its not always easy for him to give and if I judge him and hate on him its only going to end up pushing us further away in each other’s mind as my niece revealed to me a few years back that her Dad told her how difficult he found it to talk to me.. Kat always reminds me that is probably not down to any defect in me apart from honesty… Anyways this may be a post in which I am trying to appease my own guilt and anxiety over something.. but I am going to post it up anyway.. there is a saying in Al Anon. “When I point my finger at you, there are three more pointing back at me!”