I really had to hold through a lot of intense anxiety today.. There was a lot to get through I invited my sister for a barbecue and the gas had run out last Saturday. It may seem a small thing but I have never had to replace the cylinder before and when I got a replacement out of the cage at our local garage, it didn’t feel full of gas as they told me to put the old one in the same place you get the new one..Lucky my intuition was working I went and asked the attendant and he set me straight as the cylinder I had taken was indeed empty.. There was shopping to get and I had been informed the new fridge was arriving between 12 and 2.. The old fridge was so chock a block full of stuff I had it two thirds empty my the time the delivery guys arrived and there was stuff all over the floor and I was in the midst of lunch. I find it so triggering when there is mess or chaos and my negative head was saying before they arrived (as they had not notified me by text they were in fact coming.. I had to call the store to check) “what if they don’t turn up today” I just had to remind myself I would cope but this expectation of being disappointed just runs so deep with me. Its getting me in real hot water with Scott lately.. It is not a natural thing for me to trust the Universe.. Anyways I managed to get the food shopping done before this.. You cannot turn a new fridge on for an hour. lucky that the people who sold me the house sold me an outdoor fridge and I was able to put some of the frozen stuff in that but at one point it was like a whirlwind had hit my kitchen.. And for some reason things being in chaos really makes me cry.. I just had the biggest meltdown after trying to sort everything…
Got Jasper and I out for a later walk to the lake beach and then had some quiet time in the car.. I don’t usually have sweet things at this time of day but I shouted myself a donut as well….Id used up heaps of energy sorting all the past the use by date stuff left in the bowels of my old freezer cabinet, so I reckoned I could use the energy after a pretty healthy lunch.
I always get a bit triggered when my sister comes over.. She is a perfectionist and I am never sure if things are going to measure up.. I just really felt the need to connect with her yesterday and share a meal and she always sounds so lonely and sad when we talk. I actually broke down in tears after the conversation yesterday….I think back to earlier in the year when she seemed more active but I am not sure she was really ‘well’ then, its so hard to tell, God knows she has been through so much too and I often wonder if her suicide attempt in April 2013 plays on her mind as she attempted at my Mum’s flat and Mum popped over to see me on the way home from her regular Mah Jong game on Monday before going home to discover her collapsed on the floor of the bathroom.. Mum did not let me know until the following morning.. Finding her like that had such a huge effect on my mother.. it was the second daughter to make an attempt on her life.
This time of year was such a time of trauma in our family but that time of Judy’s aneurysm also coincided with my sister becoming a mother for the first time.. I try to show more of an interest in how things are from my sister’s side these days. God knows at a critical time I only got a lot of judgement instead of empathy, it wasn’t really until she had her own breakdown in 2009 she really started to understand what I had endured in the years after my ex husband left.. At 11 years of sobriety so much was breaking through for me.. I get anxious around my sister at times but she is a lot softer these days.. plus my relationship with my brother is so distant really apart from my older sisters second and third sons she is really my only link to family and Mum.. ….it seemed the people I was closer to in life and in my family died first..
I am grateful this afternoon though.. I am grateful I can open my heart to my sister and extend in love and friendship… It is a good feeling to offer to do something for someone else.. make them a meal or just help them to think better of themselves.. the last time we spoke my sister was being really mean to herself about her appearance.. I know she struggles with a very voracious inner critic too… I just told her it made me feel really sad hearing her talk so meanly of herself.. God knows we can be so hard on ourselves, especially women…. especially as we age.. These days I am trying to nurture the positive even as I begin to see more and more how deeply insecure I have always felt in the human world.. at least when I own that I can start to change it.. I need to try my best to see myself and others as God sees us. I am praying all the time these days to align my heart with a sense of love, joy and healing… even as I battle intense anxiety attacks such as the ones I had earlier today.
Emerging From The Dark Night 