How long do we grieve?

I know there are no absolute answers to this question especially in a society where sadness can be buried if vulnerability is feared. I listened to an older video by Richard Grannon today on the way to therapy and in it he has clips from Sam Vankin as self proclaimed malignant narcissistic who is very open about his own abusiveness, damage and wounding. Grannon makes the point about the narrow emotional range of hard core narcissists, that most of all they fear vulnerability and sadness, most especially abandonment sadness, they defend against it with all of their might preferring anger and criticism as well as shaming. It made me realise a society that shuns the natural grieving process becomes narcissistic towards the destructive end (as my therapist always tells me we all exist on the narcissism spectrum somewhere) especially towards the vulnerable or grieving.

C S Lewis famously said that for him grief was a lot like fear. He feared his feelings as a child and when his mother died at the age of 9 he was sent from Ireland to boarding school in England..at that time a darkness fell around him and his Dad went a little off the deep end as anyone may expect. He shares about all of this in his autobiography Surprised By Joy.

Honouring our grief is important but also is taking good care of our heart in the midst of it. Grief can become a prison in my experience if we see loss or difficulties as a punishment instead of a learning and deepening experience or if others shun us for it. If grief is a measure of love how much more at times can it hurt to lose the one we longed for love from too? How hard is it to break the self generated grief cycle of choosing the emotionally unavailable or failing to love ourselves well through losses?

For me, grieving the loss of my older sister and my Mum has been easier than grieving my Dad or the end of my marriage or past painful relationships. I know to honour grief now. When Judy died I started to steer clear of invalidating people. I spoke up. I was lucky to have a good therapist by then and to be honest at that stage I had been grieving the emotional absence of both parents. However Mum and I did grieve together b4 she died when she didn’t block me.

I am also aware though there is a time to seek happiness and joy again. With my last partner he got annoyed that my grief was then still so raw. He only did anger anyway..sadly. And when his parents died sadly I stepped back and he needed more support..I see that now.

Lately joy floods in to my heart and uplifts my spirit, even in the midst of a big grief cry fest. I find nature a great ally in this process. Often there the holy spirit whispers to me on the wind as I feel ancestral presences and lost loved ones close. I still cry over the loss of my Godfather too. He saw me more than any other family member. He and my God Mum supported me during the 1990 ectopic pregnancy/termination debacle..they also supported Jonathan when I chose to go back to England and do 6 months more therapy.

As I look back I see God was trying to support me in my grief. He put people there, sadly often they only judged my outbursts not knowing all the losses and tragedy I had endured til then. I forgive that now while knowing I did nothing wrong by struggling. If I had been embraced things would have been easier for me. Scott never shames me for grief or anger he always tries to understand.

Now I am wiser to the complex disguises buried grief or hurt can take life is easier…more peaceful..less of a battle. Like minded people are all around me…walking similar paths looking for the way to walk forward through and on to embrace possibilities for happiness, connection and heartfelt joy that lie on the other side of losses well grieved.

And those who don’t get it? Well I understand that too; I no longer have to take on board their silly invalidations but I can have compassion for why they may say the things they do or defend against something so deeply feared by them that is really just evidence of our capacity to open our hearts to the fullest depths of love.