Lovely as it was to connect with my sister yesterday I felt a huge backlash last night. As I asked my sister how it was to work as an adult with my Mum and she revealed Mum only chose to come into the shops to work at 11 am.. She also chose not to be at home with me after school when she so easily could have been. This has hurt me so deeply today I was crying about it…. That I came home to that empty house day after day and even when I pleaded for a dog there was a struggle for that to happen and sadly in the end our beagle Sasha got injured and had to be given away.. I just sat here cuddling Jasper and crying and wondering why my Mum chose to have me if she didnt really want to be a mother or care enough about how lonely it felt for me (but of course she was just repeating her own past!)… It is something Kat touched on over my birthday when a lot came up for me a few weeks ago.. Awake at 4 am I was in a rage with Mum, I stuck by her in later years and she gave control over our inheritance to my older brother even though he visited her so rarely and his wife cut my mother off. I understand now why she told me to get as far away from Mum as I could in the year Jonathan left, but it was silly advice too, a child or adult needs a family, but the pain of an emotionally absent parent is just such a huge burden to carry and one my Mum passed on,… the wound I mean.
My head hurts a bit today but I just know I cannot allow it to wound me over and over and over again.. I effectively abandoned my husband to be here for my family. I see that now but when I was trying to work it all in therapy both he and my mother tried to derail that.. Its why I took myself off alone to the other side of the world in 2002 and 2005. When I think of how, after sustaining the second head injury that family threw me out and of how like an orphan I wandered lost between the ashram at Glastonbury and Magdalene and Cathedral chapels crying and praying my heart breaks for myself..I still have a card of Archanagel Raphael I sent to my older sister waxing on about the ‘spirituality’ of the place but it was cold cold cold.. Maybe if we were not so abandoned by humans we would not have to seek non human aid so much.. It is really making me question everything lately, but at least all of this affirms why I withdrew so completely to the extent of also not seeking treatment for depression after being actively dissuaded by an older sober member in AA. How can one emotionally abandoned addict help another it they dont have the courage to face the original wound and GET REAL?
Maybe this is Mercury’s dark backward glance into that black pit of abandonment that I had to mine shown to me in the dream a few months after Jonathan finally walked out…its been years now and I have grieved, I am not really sure I want to grieve any more. I have to BE WITH MYSELF I HAVE TO LOVE MYSELF I HAVE TO GIVE MYSELF GOOD THINGS.. I HAVE TO MAKE AMENDS TO MYSELF FOR SO MANY YEARS OF SELF PUNISHMENT AND BLAMING MYSELF FOR THE HURTING OF OTHERS DISMISSING OF ME AND EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY AND ABANDONMENT.. THIS WOUND IS REAL AND IT DID HAPPEN TO ME!
All I know is I WOULD NEVER CHOOSE TO ABANDON A CHILD LIKE THAT.. I choose to be at home as much as I can with Jasper and never leave him for more than 3 hours. And I take comfort now from our cuddles.. I find he is drawing closer to me lately so often my body attacks upset him to the point he goes to the garage to sleep on his chair… Its so sad to me that even hugs became painful for me, being close, leaning into love and trust, it all felt far too dangerous.. I know now why…its a tough call but the positive things is I know I am large enough to embrace this wound.. I can give it a voice and I ALSO KNOW MOST SURELY SO SO MANY OTHERS ENDURE IT, even if they have not had the level of physical smash up trauma I have..
In looking for the gifts in the wound I will say I AM GRATEFUL : for the power of expression, most of all I am thankful and for the power of emotional recognition even more, as well as for the courage to weep the tears while not allowing the reality to destroy me emotionally, but rather allow it to inform my life to make it warmer, more real, more engaged and more connected in the long run.
But this also reveals to me why my siblings also disengage.. the one exception was my older sister who died. she was warmer… I do miss her.. she gave comfort but seeing how destroyed she was by the aneurysm of 1980 and its aftermath was so so so so hard. its the anniversary of that in a few days time.. so its natural so much grief and insight is coming up for me right now..
Emerging From The Dark Night 