I don’t often get a call from my sister but a family friend being ill prompted her to call this afternoon. We share so much history even if our paths and personalities have been so different. Its her birthday in 2 days and I have managed to arrange a lunch with her son and his wife at her favourite restaurant on Friday this worked better for everyone than me putting on a dinner that night.
My sis is much more grounded than she has been in a long time. I feel the loneliness and the lostness we both share, but I pray there are better things in store. I tried to remind her today of the possibility of change and second or third or fourth chances. She has been through so much she told me this afternoon she needs to take things slowly.
Im grateful. I am seeing how I reacted out of trauma when I hit 42. I am glad I managed to achieve sobriety at 31 I was making a big change in a family pattern. Each time we talk now I ask my sister things I don’t know .. there is always more I can learn.
Its lovely to feel healed and at peace..its a blessing to get off myself to think of things that may make her happy. Its nice to be able to talk for an hour and a half im which silences are also allowed .Lately I am not as angry and don’t feel the need to push away as much. It’s good to be able to breathe so freely around 5 pm.
I thought too of how Mum not having siblings transferred onto us 4 kids. We had big age gaps 8 years between Jude and Sue, then 8 years between Sue and I. Gary and Judy the oldest were closer in age – 16 months..Judy came unstuck and manifested so much of the family traumas of Mum’s maternal side. Gary is very successful professionally and financially.
In later life we got to share happy times with Mum even if she and I clashed a lot when I was finding myself after my marriage ended in 2004 A lot of hurt came up for me to.process when breast cancer struck in 2016 and my sister underwent that in a more serious form 4 months earlier. We recognise today we went through neglect but that Mum did well despite being so unmothered herself I just don’t think she was ever cuddled or welcomed she had to fight to be taken seriously and Dad often laughed off her storms not really knowing what she suffered as a child.
I thank God for peace, soothing and gentleness this afternoon I feel a shift with Mercury about to start slowing down to move forward in exact square to my dead Mum’s Sun Mercury Saturn conjunction at 11 degrees Aquarius and Scorpio. Those energies live on in us in mutated forms, we are the ongoing of our descendants emotional and spiritual lives and it pays to bind back those threads even if it hurts at times..the healing surely comes through facing pain head on and working our best to see old patterns do not get a chance to live on in unconscious forms. This recognition opens the way for love..hope and new chances.
Emerging From The Dark Night 