So many times I have felt like a failure..this is a source of sorrow to me now, deep sorrow. Really exploring my post accident years I see how much trauma affected me and how absent it made Mum and Dad. Not their fault in a way they struggled too when my sister had her aneurysm around this time of year in 1980..they were at the hospital every night Dad kept communicating with Jude even though at that stage doctors believed she could not hear or register it. I sat at home seeking solace from a cask of wine.
Ways I failed to deal with my emotions made things harder. Running off the next year to Brisbane but getting involved with someone with addiction issues did not help. Throwing it all in and pleading to return to my teaching degree fell on deaf ears. So I buckled under to what Dad wanted and began working two jobs, despite the fact my flat mates at that time were pleading with me to stop over working..that was the family pattern.
I have to remind myself I can let that go now. No I didn’t succeed in the way others did, often I was sidestepped, sidelined, rejected or judged but I coped admirably. I got sober in 1993..I wish I grabbed that opportunity 18 months earlier but that was not my destiny.
I need to stop feeling guilty and beating up on myself. It was responsible to decide not to have children..I honestly wasn’t ready. It came to me last night in making those choices I followed my inner compass.
Getting to know the real vulnerable me is the full time work of emotional sobriety. Recognising a family of active drinkers wont congratulate me on getting sober or expressing my emotions is facing reality. And I can choose my own path without all of the ongoing self flagellation.
I am not a failure. I am honest good caring kind hearted and true..most people I know who became addicts are..we just get projected and dumped on a lot. I can also unmask my true self. In doing so it encourages others to do the same. I just have to get stronger in my ability to self parent and also be prepared to be humble and admit when I need help or an outside perspective in order to see myself more realistically.
Emerging From The Dark Night 