I came away from meeting my friend crying.. it was not only my eyes crying but my whole body. its not that it was not a good meeting its just that my friend is so angry abut the way girls and women get conditioned and everytime we meet it comes up.. She reminds me how so often its the boys and men who get all the power over us.. If we are crying or needy we are ‘too emotional’ if we are angry and fighting for our rights we are ‘bitches’ come to think of it I HATE that word, especially when women call each other it.. It just grates on me. That said I tried to remind my friend that sensitive vulnerable men suffer too.. and that men who were shamed for it and become tough and had then end up projecting that fear outside onto women.
I am feeling my lack of power over my inheritance today.. I know if I asked help to help Scott I will just be dismissed and diminished by my brother, he does not believe he is real. if he had helped earlier in the year or last year Scott would have been out of there by now.. its really pulling on my heart at the moment, I keep thinking of asking my sister for a loan after all he is paying it back.. she offered to help last near before she took a nose dive back into anxiety and depression. So much is out of my control that when I got home I took some physical control. I made lunch I cleaned out some rotten food from the fridge, now I am sitting down to type this.
I think of how often as a girl I was told to keep my legs together, to not be so dramatic, how it was a source of fun that I loved to dance, one of my favourite things was to do flowing ballet moves while scooping down my arms to pick up imaginary bunches of flowers… I used to love to sing and dance before I learned it was better to be silent so as not to draw attention to myself or open up the opportunity of being mocked…
All I can do today is try and E X P R E S S.. IF WATER IS EXPRESSING ITSELF FROM MY NOSE BEYOND MY VOLITION I WILL LET IT FLOW.. I WILL CRY BUT I WILL NOT MAKE GRIEF SEIZE ME UP.. I AM SICK OF THE PULLS AND TEARS AND LAST NIGHT THERE WAS A LOT OF BLOOD AFTER DINNER.. I GOT SPATTERED BLOOD ALL OVER MY TOP.. AND MY NEW BLACK HOODIE WITH WHITE TRIM.. GOD KNOWS I AM A MESS I CAN NEVER KEEP ANYTHING CLEAN AND THE CRITIC WOULD LOVE TO JUMP ON THAT WELL FUCK OFF CRITIC i AM DOING THE BEST I CAN… it just seems that today there is so much emotion flying around everywhere…
When I am like this its best to try to write while a host of birds flutters in my chest… on the way back to the car after meeting a friend I looked down to see a dead mouse that had been flattened and splattered, its entrails were outside its body.. just like me after my accident.. this must be the unconscious, it always seems a bad omen seeing a crushed animal.. poor little thing crushed by a big machine.. sometimes life is just too FUCKING TOUGH.
Emerging From The Dark Night 