I held your hand

I just caught up with the daughter of an old friend and her little 19 month old son this morning.. Children are so interesting to watch and especially at this age where they are wanting to move and go out and explore the world away from Mum and maybe being stopped for their own safety.. Little Huxley was longing to feel his legs today and explore and one of my friends helped him a little and later I took his hand and helped him to negotiate the stairs and get his little feet moving quickly so he could move out and see what was out there in the wide world beyond the comfort and safety of Mum.

He seemed so excited by the movement today and it was liberating for me even if I have to face a bit of grief when I see young kids due to the fact as a child Mum used to use a harness to restrain my forward movement.. .. I was able to cry about it with Jasper in the car on the way home.. I know being a parent can be so difficult and it is far from the be all and end all of living but still its sad to know you will never have that experience even if you made the choice for what you felt were good reasons. Its even harder to know your movement was thwarted due the parent’s need and not your own.. no one was there tuning in to what you wanted or needed or providing you with assistance to get it.. this maybe behind the reason I so often negate myself in life and why I am now even thwarting another chance at Scott and I meeting.

Anyway my past is my past but the body bears the brunt of it.. There is so much heat in my body even typing this… the clouds are covering the Sun.. Today’s was a rare catch up and to be honest I was very grateful for it.. Its good to be with people living lives not trapped, limited or circumscribed by trauma, even if, at times I walk away feeling so much of the discussion was so outside of what I am familiar with.. I just stayed silent for a lot of the time.. I asked questions when I could.. and it was nice to come home with Jasper even if I did feel some difficult feelings on the drive home.. At least I can write about it.. I will not judge myself any more for my trauma or others for not being able to connect to something so outside of their own personal experience.