I know personally how much fear can sometimes dominate my life.. I watch myself in my anxiety about things I was blamed for, stuff lying around, things maybe with dog hair on them, mess from spilled coffee and the critic goes “right, see that just proves it, you can’t keep up, you are falling behind, drinking to much coffee (I only have one or two a day at quarter strength!!), things are falling into disrepair and how do you know that guy you accepted to fix the fence isn’t going to make a complete hash of it?” Listening to those voices I can run and run, I rush to clean out the car, vacuum the messy carpet clear up a pile of old papers wipe old spills but at least recently I am practicing this art of stopping, pausing and deeply breathing in the midst of it all. And I know some of the action is for good, it not all negative at all. I can also settle down to write about it.
Sometimes I struggle to find the part of me that is bigger than my fear.. I struggle the part of me that wants to risk organising an outing while the inner voice asks me if I can be sure I will be up for it in a few days time.. I can then end up taking no action which may end up being the better action… But at least these days I am choosing to live..i am moving through the storms when they happen, even as i remember thousands of others on the planet are also struggling to manage with fear, anxiety, complex grief and trauma.
Lately I count my blessings.. I thank God for the things my parents did give me.. I still feel pain for the ways I allowed myself to be hurt or withdrew from others when I should have gone along.. Today I shared how my ex hurt me but I also hurt him.. There were times he needed my support and I could not give it.. There were times he wanted me to go skiing with him but sadly I got forced to go skiing with my older brother and his wife as a teenager and I hated it. As a tall person with huge feet I was just A CLUMSY MESS IN SKIS the buckles on the boots kept breaking open and the next thing my skis would snap off, I would fall over and end up all wet and miserable.. really I am not a sporty kind of person though I did enjoy basketball. So all of this may have come up on the times he wanted me to accompany him, and I didn’t even need to ski I could have gone to the Lodge and been with him on one of those ‘holidays’.. But then again he didn’t like to do things I wanted to do because as he told me once “you need to know one thing in this relationship, my needs and especially my surfing must always come first” i would suffer in my body waking up to an empty bed even if he left me the loveliest of love notes before going for his two or three hours morning surfs..It just wasn’t warm and connected like the early morning cuddle I longed for.
Anyway I know its all in the past but writing helps me to process it today…there are happy and sad memories from my time with Phil, but I did cling on too long trying to make it work… maybe cause at that time as my therapist reminds me I did not know what I really needed.. This coming to know our true selves is so hard for us neglected in childhood. I am sure some of you relate… today I just remind myself I am growing.. its good to face the painful memories with Phil.. its okay to sort through it all.. its not a sign I am not letting go of the past, for letting go takes time and is, in the end, about sorting it all, so that the meaning and narrative of our inner soul life begins to shine forward more truthfully from all of the places it got hidden under tarnish.
Emerging From The Dark Night 