I find it harder to breathe when I know I am having to have household commitments.. Today it was the guy coming to fix the NBN on my internet, I was only told that would be happening between 8 am and 1 pm, so of course, I wanted to be up and dressed by 8 am.. that was manageable even though I slept in about four broken fragments last night. Then it was the guy coming to fix the fence at 10.30.. Well its 10.20 now and the internet guy just left and my fence repairer called to say he has to put if off to Thursday.. The truth is life is unpredictable when it comes to dealing with other people.. and when you suffer from Complex PTSD it can begin to feel all a bit too much to manage but what we feel is often not the truth, especially when fear so often dominates our perspective with C PTSD.
These days I have to find the best way to pace myself, be patient and tolerant and roll with the tide of life, knowing some things will trigger me big time..
Yesterday it was the subject of my ex coming up in therapy..Its 10 years since we split this year but some memories are still fresh.. I never visit his Facebook page, I told myself to stop looking at it in the five year period I was left trying to process all the deep pain of pursuing someone who never got me and used to judge and shame me all of the time, but yesterday in therapy Kat was asking about him so I went onto his page to try and find a photo.. that seemed to open up an avalanche of memories and painful feelings later in the day, after I got home.
These days I see I accepted his treatment of me as it mirrored my own inner attitude to the vulnerable child in me and God knows due to his childhood trauma, Phil was a guy in full flight from his own vulnerable wounded child.. in fact he used to act it out all of the time on his own sons….
Watching that movie I mentioned yesterday Thing We Lost In The Fire reminded me of what Phil would do to me, use me as a dumping ground for all the emotions he found too hard to deal with.. Despite this I put him on a pedestal when we parted.. I took his abusive comments as gospel… messy, insecure, flighty…..but Phil could never affirm my emotional pain when he was so oppositional to his own..THAT IS THE GODS HONEST TRUTH THAT REVEALED ITSELF TO ME OVER THE PAST 2O HOURS.. IN WHICH I FELT MY ENTIRE CHEST BEING CRUSHED AFTER HE CAME UP IN THERAPY AND I VISITED HIS PAGE TO SEE HIM SIPPING ON CHAMPAGNE IN THE TOTALLY RENOVATED HOUSE THAT I HELPED HIM TO FURNISH WHEN HE WAS POOR AND STRUGGLING.
Being sober it was never going to work for me with an active drinker who had a long history of alcoholism in his own family he failed to deal with.. I would only be slammed for all the ways I was inadequate.. Because I felt my feelings he judged me as weak not strong WHEN IN FACT THE OPPOSITE WAS TRUE AS I SEE IT NOW.. All of those times I cried and he raged on me were abuse.. the way he made me hide out in the toilet at 3 am when I could not sleep after dental surgery so as not to disturb him was abuse… and yet what could I expect and in the end I WAS THE ONE PUTTING UP WITH IT.
Maybe this is the final shedding of the idea I did anything wrong in that relationship, the truth is that at that point just two years out of the replayed trauma of the 2005 head injury I was in so much bodily emotional turmoil.. I really needed therapy.. One of his best friends said to me many years later… “Phil basically used you as a piece of soap to wipe his dirty hands clean.” I also see like with Jonathan I came into his life and helped him financially and emotionally, despite my trauma I tried to support him but when I needed support it was not there, a mirror of how it was with my family and parents.
Today I can be grateful i am out of that abusive relationship.. Someone yesterday on the Awakened Empath page was sharing how desperate they are to get out of a relationship with a narcissist but they feel it impossible to leave.. much as I felt for them I told them there is no easy way but please get out. it will be like surgery with no anaesthetic but in the end the suffering will lead you home to the rejected child in you WHO WAS ALWAYS SHAMED JUDGED AND TOLD SHE OR HE WAS BAD.. and through the grieving you will connect to that part of you that is the most essential link to your True Self and find a way to love him or her, bring him or her back into your heart and find the loving adult you seek outside but will not find until you find that deep inside your own heart with the help of a loving God or Higher Power who is always wishing for your soul to grow and heal.
This morning I uncoiled and danced even as I worried I may not find myself in a fit state to front the internet technician or fence man.. In the end ALL WAS WELL.. the internet guy came at the best time.. the other guy put things off to give me the space I need today…Lately it just seems to me I have to trust the flow of the universe at the same time as I learn how to let go of my will or ideas and ride the waves Higher Power send.. I also helped Scott again with some money for good food which was the right thing to do. This lovely man has never once shamed me. even when I have been at my angriest, he always knows its for a reason. Today I am learning that self care does not negate caring for others, but it does demand I know what is best for me and my energy.. it asks that I be open to help others, as I was helped and never shut the door in fear due to past bad experiences, for the flow of life even as it travels so often in circles always is seeking to help me expand my perspective on the inner dynamics of my own and other’s evolving soul and spiritual life as it is for all of us who are now seeking to heal old griefs and bring light into the dark and wounded places that contain for our healing so so much inner gold, power, life, healing energy and light.
Emerging From The Dark Night 