Placing our value outside ourselves.

I was disappointed on my birthday not to hear from one of my closest friends, I actually cried about it this morning thinking how several years ago when the height of my Complex PTSD was so bad following a sinus operation that she told me I was “living half a life.” tears fell about this today as another friend who is taking me out for a late birthday lunch stood by me around this time when a group of friends stopped inviting me to events and gatherings. after I had an angry outburst in response to one of them being cruel about someone we knew. I count myself so blessed to have this friend who is taking me out today..

But this got me to thinking about how hard it is not to have a strong inner core of self value or self esteem deep inside of us. For me its a major achievement building it for myself. I have shared here so many times the struggle I have with the inner persecutor or critic that so often wants the real me dead..I talked this over a lot with my sister yesterday as Kat my therapist was saying its a murderous force inside of me as I believe it is in many of us in recovery who, in the absence of parental holding and validation, sought relief from our deep pain and soul emptiness in and through substances..

I was also thinking of how Henri Nouwen says our deepest wound is self negation or self rejection, which is something we can all so easily absorb in a culture devoted to ideals of appearance and behavior that places value on externals or ideals being ‘good’ even if that may not be the most genuine response of our soul and true self.

I easily absorbed the attitude of being unkind to myself.. I feel I am making progress now.. I have even been able to say no lately to things I used to say yes to because I was so often taught to put other’s needs before my own. and yes there is a time to extend to others in love but there is also a time we ABSOLUTELY MUST self value and rest our energy, especially if we were taught we cannot be happy if others are not..

Today I was able to let myself feel that sadness while also looking for what I do have to celebrate and be grateful for.. I think I am learning lately it may be essential for me to accept this deep aloneness I so often feel as a price of what it meant to be born into the world and family I was.. And there will be times when I am less lonely because the comfort of a good friend bought sunshine to my day. All things oscillate, that is what I am learning. There are happy and sad times, there are painfully empty times (but not as many as there used to be), there are times of awe and magic and blessing that arrive, there are times of deep body pain as I struggle after a chiropractic treatment following the adjustment that will in time lead me to a better alignment.

Today I no longer place my value outside of myself in what others say or tell me I am (but I would be lying if I said it did not still, at times, have the capacity to hurt me deeply.. at least today I can acknowledge that truth). I know how much I have struggled to even cobble together a sense of being okay, I know how much others struggle too.. some are just not as honest about it… and at times I feel that healing benevolence of God and the angels telling me how special, perfect and loved I am, its not always easy for me to believe it but I am grateful lately to be more realistic in my understanding of just how much I had to endure and how strong I have been in continuing to front up, even when the going forward got really rough and people judged me as not good enough.