Grief is just pouring out of me in a flood today..I don’t know what is happening but I can’t stop it. I’m grateful to just be home alone with Jasper after therapy. I am feeling tired and that Mercury slowing down to turn retrograde feeling..like a deep sea is flooding nearby and everything is feeling saturated.
Today I said to Kat that it feels like after the accident of 1979 part of my soul.left my body. Life felt so unsafe..like I was a long distance away or behind glass, going through the motions but not truly a part of what was happening. Kat said too many shocks followed on top of one another in a a six year period and then I was shot out of a cannon after Dad died…sent overseas then back again but separated from all my family. I left them behind to go to Sydney..My Godparents were there for me but I never found true holding or a sense of home with others..its what I have been trying to work towards. Painful memories of how I hurt my husband leaving him behind when everything screamed inside my heart it was wrong have really made the grief extra deep today.
I just wept eating lunch out earlier and prayed for mercy..they say to sin is to miss the mark but Kat said I did NOTHING WRONG was just trying to stay alive..but I did hurt people…
I feel better just writing this. I must be very kind to myself this afternoon. I am.praying for peace acceptance serenity..its good to stop and just be still. I want to incarnate fully into my life not be split off somewhere and yet dreaming..reverie…imagination..these are all good things during Mercury retrograde time…I will go gently this afternoon….just let myself be…rest..read..pray. .keep the demons of regret at bay. Everything happened as it had to….I need to show it all my love..we are all only human ..doing the best we can even as we run so far and wide dogged by old traumas snapping at our heels like a bunch of hungry crocodiles.
Emerging From The Dark Night 