The hurting place

When my sister rang today to see what I wanted to do for my birthday I got very overcome with how soft and grounded she sounded.. I had been quite anxious about my birthday coming up, for some reason anxiety and grief are mixed and it came to me this afternoon that anger helps me to see others as an enemy and keep my distance even if things they did in the past that are only part of the picture may not even outweigh the benefits of being connected.. I don’t know but I just got so overcome with grief after my sister called for so many things.. She even called me darling.

Maybe birthdays bring up a lot, especially now Mum is no longer here.. AS much as you may have conflict with a parent they are the one who tries to help and see you, even if falteringly at times.. I do miss Mum and maybe birthdays bring up the fact she is gone now.. gone but not forgotten and its just my sister and I now, though a family friend will be coming along too.. we used to often go to the movies as a group and then out for a meal to this restaurant I chose for lunch next Thursday.

I recognise more and more how unsafe I feel in the world lately and how much hurt I carry. I also still get in such a state with mess and things falling down.. A man came to see about fixing my fence today and I was a bit embarrassed at the state of disrepair, its down to me lending money that I had no money to fix my own things.. I just will not do that any more.. its my side of the fence I have to take care of lately and no amount of being told I am an angel is going to make me give over as much as I have in the past..Giving can be good but codependents and adult children do often have to learn its okay to give to ourselves as we often dont feel deserving of good things.

I got in a state after the guy came and ran around madly removing all the cobwebs, old boxes and leaf debris from the garage.. I made some lunch and had a bit anxiety attack but it calmed down.. I then settled down and watched a movie which I very much enjoyed.. I watched two movies yesterday, making sure they were feel good ones, as opposed to violent and disturbing..

The truth is that these days I just long for serenity.. that means I have to try my best to manage my own stressors and triggers.. mess being one of my major ones.. things being a bit neglected is not a reason to sell up or rent really, i just need to take action to keep improving what I can in the house. I have lived her for nearly 10 years now and its built up a good energy.. yes a lot needs fixing but there is time.. I feel better today about it than yesterday.. sometimes when stressed by the inner critic I lose my perspective on things.. that is when I need a time out.. I need to remember to breathe and not make everything into a disaster and stop seeing things through negativity clouded spectacles…. there is a need for calm.. but to get it I have to pace myself …. and see when it is I look for the hurt instead of the healing.. and thus make my life even harder for myself than it really needs to be.