Not being cared for and then being told we are loved, distorts our reality. This is coming up for me big time right now. Old criticisms from the last past abusive relationship in which he told me I was messy, screwy, fighty and insecure came up in therapy today.. I got a dry throat and anxiety thinking about it and the according to Robin Norwood anxiety is often a sign of repressed anger for those of us NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE OUR REAL TRUE FEELINGS AND REALITY.
Uranus is beginning to oppose my Neptune in the third house now and its coming up that I often negate myself, my needs and my own value.. I have The Sun, Venus, Mercury and Jupiter as well as the South Node all square to Neptune and this makes for a shaky identity.. Kat said to day that Phil’s words played into all of my trauma.. i remember him siding with my Mum over me being a messy child and how I needed to shape up…chaos and creativity are related in any case and I like allowing myself to make a bit of a mess now.. I like throwing things around.. I am sick of trying to draw between the lines.. its time to take of the straight jacket and go a little wild.
Also I am going to fucking yell back to Phil, fuck off with your judgements, you don’t know me, you only ever tried to put me down, you never affirmed me, it was never okay to be vulnerable with you because you were a coward in flight from your own vulnerability…. and to all of those guys who hurt me with abusive comments as well as my bloody sister who called me a naughty tantrum thrower and the tissue queen.. GO GET FUCKED!!!
Emerging From The Dark Night 