Today in therapy we focused on the pull of death Kat explained an unwanted baby is not held nor the terror of its inner world contained nor mediated by the Mum..the baby also absorbs the climate of mothers mothering/attachment patterns in this situation nothing mediates it nor protects it from the fear of death as he or she struggles to live.
Listening to Dan Seigel’s being interviewed today about his book The Power of Showing Up made me cry. Kids need the 4 S’s to function well: safety….. to be seen ….soothing and security. In the absence of these and with a threatening patent attachment gets disorganised and so we can easily fragment undee stress. When we are sent sway alone with all those terrifying feelings it is too much for us.
I feel I fragmented on Wednesday its why I went into that spin lasting 3 days. So much triggered by talking to my sister. The inability to voice how I feel then fragmenting the rage I didn’t break free sooner but how to with all the longing going in the wrong direction and the fear now she is home alone she will fragment too and succumb to that soul eating depression.
I must move forward though. I need to embody and embrace life. I long and ache for it. To experience God in human skin.
Withdrawing…intellectualising…detaching…fearing voicing an authentic cry of my soul due to fears of being seen as ‘mad’ holds me back. Fear keeps me pinned to that hook in Erishkegals death kingdom. The abandoned feminine body rages but it must rage to find its Lions cry, feel it’s heart pulse flowing in cystole and dyastole. I must plant both feet on the ground to find my unique standpoint. But with the ancestors pulling on me sometimes I go down at this time of year.
Today in therapy I had the realisation..our family traumas spanned Dec to March which was the time my ancestors spent in ocean limbo caught between two worlds.
As I spun up on Sunday morning sitting on the side of the bed I had the sense of two directions. Behind me or to the left lay Cornwall and the collapsing past..to the right lay an unknown future in NZ for them..trauma happened there as family connections broke. Our are still broken in some places but we are trying to come alive and reconnect, especially my dead sisters sons….and me too. I must. I want so badly to live..laugh..love…embrace..be embraced..embody in a new land so very very far from this one of cyclical repetitive trauma.
Emerging From The Dark Night 