I was thinking of how destructive can be the urge to be seen as ‘cool’. This thought came to mind after reading a recent post by Benny K where he spoke of how often addictions are often glorified in this way.. He shared that whenever he tells the story of his own painful addiction to heroin he never glorifies it as a ‘war’ story. This bought to mind something my chiropractor said to me a few years ago. She was commenting on the tendency (especially in Australia) to see the expression of intense feeling as some how ‘uncool’ or a sign of not having it together when in fact nothing could be further from the fact.
I watched a very painful interview with aboriginal singer Archie Roach on Friday afternoon.. In it he spoke of the tragedy of being foreceably removed from his aboriginal family in the 50s or 60s.. Like many children of the stolen generation in Australia the authorities deemed it helpful to remove these young indigenous children from their parents and families and place then in institutions.. After some years moving between different places Archie was adopted by a kinder family but of of course he carried with him for the rest of his life all of the buried emotional pain and scars..
Archie told the story in the interview of how on the first morning after his first night with his new adoptive parents he make the bed and stood stock still by it with his hands behind his back, terrified of getting into trouble if he had not made it perfectly.. often in these institutions children were punished for not performing tasks with military precision. His adoptive Mum called to him and when she saw the terror in his young eyes she said to him “Archie, in the morning you don’t have to do anything but put on your slippers and come down for breakfast.” Archie shared in this part of the interview that this was the first time he had ever seen in the eyes of a white person something like love.
Archie went on to become an alcoholic.. He left his adoptive family and eventually found members of his own family along the way. He met the love of his life, Ruby and ended up playing music with her.. He credits music as saving his life and giving him a form of expression or containment for the scars and all of the deep emotional pain he carried.. In time both Archie and Ruby put down alcohol and tried their very best to face their demons.. Sadly Ruby’s own abandonment trauma led to her developing a heart condition and she died quite a few years ago leaving Archie dealing with yet another loss, he went through that darkness and again music saved him..
One of the saddest things in the interview which had me bawling my eyes out was when Achie quietly wiped the tears from his eyes while apologising for crying.. Why is it we must feel we have to be so cool that we must apologise for expressions of authentic pain? Why can’t we be wet, hot with feeling and passion, messy and undone? Why do we feel the need to bury all our sadness and apologise?.
I share Archie’s story here for those who may not know it as an example of what pain can be buried, also as a testament that being made to measure up to externally imposed more’s can shut down aspects of our soul that most feverently need to find expression and live..
My own personal view as someone in long term recovery is that people may not feel the need to run to substances so much were there more places to go to with their feelings, trauma and pain.. Overcoming the unhealthy preoccupation with having it together and being cool about it all may also take a lot of undoing of scripts and expectations rigidly imposed upon us by a society and culture split off from true compassion, emotional insight, empathy and love.
Let us all be open hearted in hearing, bearing witness too and being present for the spoken and unspoken emotions of others who have undergone the hell of abandonment trauma.
Emerging From The Dark Night 