this time of night is so hard.. memories cascading like a river I am being pressurised or held underneath or collapsed on the floor trying to contain all of the pain. an explosion in my brain, longing for you Dad, I crashed and as they wheeled me screaming past you in the hospital corridor and you said to Mum “that poor poor girl” and then she told you “that is your daughter”. All those years later I am lying there, body supine travelling back in time, Dad, it is your agony I feel but now you are gone for me.. There will be no on there to drive me home and so I will cycle all alone along the Mill Road and somewhere along the way the unconscious crash will bleed into present time and I will be sent flying to crack my head open on that iron thing as my body and soul is flung once again into misery.
There will be the bleeding and the spins.. and the walls covered with blood, just as in the prophetic dream I had in early therapy.. There will be no one much there to care when I come ‘home’ but Marlene will help me with my shopping as i try my best to survive the next months of disorientation.. But then you will cast me out again and I will be driven even further into the wilderness. My family did not even care enough to come and be with me. Am I worth nothing? What the fuck is wrong with them? Why did I ever come back after they showed me by their actions all my pain all my suffering meant nothing to them?
Emerging From The Dark Night 