Today has been tough. So much hurt coming up and then I called my nephew and my hurt adds to his hurts over the way one side of the family has treated the sons of my older sister who died and who would have turned 76 today had she lived. It’s too much to go into here but these boys were not recognised in my Mum’s will or only give a pittance and it was left to me to redress this, which I cannot do as my inheritance has not yet been sorted and I folded on certain things I was entitled to due to the trauma of my head injury which followed on from lack of empathy and narcissism in my other, younger living sister.
This is really burning me up right now but since money is just money to me and possessions not worth the worry I will let it go but they way they treated me with removing things from the coast house Mum left to both me and my sister that were mine and had a right to be left where they were until I was well enough to deal with them, or at least had some emotional support to deal with the pain of those later years of trauma I had down there following Jonathan’s leaving,REALLY STRIKE ME AS THOUGHTLESS HURTFUL AND UNFAIR, IT REALLY REALLY REALLY MAKES ME ANGRY.
What do to with the anger? . Well first I have to acknowledge it is there, I can then share it with one side of the family.. My nephew advised me today to get a lawyer, it is something another friend got very fired up with me about when she heard about the dismissive way I was being treated by my brother and sister.. It’s not something I have found the heart to do, though. I don’t want to stoop to that level then another part of me thinks it is a weak response, an collapse or fawn response of the youngest in a family besieged by Complex multi-generational PTSD .
I can’t even unravel any of this in therapy right now as we are on a break until the 11th, it shits me Kat takes leave at the time of year stacked with anniversaries.. the anniversary of my Dad’s death is in 6 days, the breakup with Phil is on on my mind today.. So much shit I went through, plus all the uncertainty with Scott, it all gave me the spins today… and I had a bit of a psychotic attack earlier after getting home from the markets in a rush with my food, poor old Jasper made himself scarce, yesterday was a far better day but then it is my older sister’s birthday today too..
That said the spiritual part of me is eternal and is probably not as affected by all of this as my ego personality, I just don’t know.. I only know lately the pain of a lot of this makes me feel a little like I am dying..
I got that lovely moment of guidance that I shared earlier and that brought some healing to my heart. But at the moment I am in a bit of a dark place to be totally honest. We haven’t been seeing the Sun at all lately and it does not look set to make an appearance for some days, rain has been forecast for the next few days. I need to take it easy though. Jasper and and I have been doing late afternoon walks around the neighborhood lately… and having as many cuddles as we can when I don’t go around overwhelming myself with self criticism or the ancestral child abuse doesn’t rear its ugly head as it did earlier..
I just know my Mum was beaten and driven mercilessly in those lonely years after her Dad died.. This happened when transiting Saturn squared her Sun Mercury Saturn in Scorpio… The planet Uranus is also slowing down to station direct over the next 10 days or so and it is squaring my Moon as it opposes my sister’s and my Mum’s Saturn in Scorpio. I had a lot of head pain yesterday and had to end up taking a panadol last night as when I turned out the light the storm started up in my body and it was completely overwhelming as if my energy body was being burned and then trying to contain and push on through the Uranian electrical charge.. its been so much to hold and this head injury the out fall of it is just horrendous. I was crying with the pain last night in bed.. and its all invisible to anyone else… it make me feel alone.. I have to find ways to manage it.. but its probably par for the course with Uranus stationing at 6 degrees of Taurus.. and hitting the Moon.. .. Moon is the inner child both personal and ancestral, I have no doubt about that an related to both guts, the one in our tummy as well as the one in the head.
I have to follow my intuition on all of this, my angels told me last night to check the transits. I am looking for a better path of self nurture coming out of this transit that has been ongoing for the past 2 years. I pray once Uranus moves forward soon things by ease up a bit.. But I still have to do the work on being stronger and not collapsing as much. I also realised i haven’t been praying for help to contain all these churning feelings and that may have helped me, I am really finding this therapy break tough.
Emerging From The Dark Night 