When my core anxieties get triggered days can be tough. Its been like this for me pretty much since Wednesday.. I should have figured with Mars square Pluto in tight connection and not forgetting over next weeks it will move forward to square Saturn and Jupiter too. This can be a time when will or desires may be blocked, thwarted or frustrated.
Those of us born with Mars Saturn in tight aspect natally know what its like to meet brick walls. I have also heard this aspect described as ‘driving the car with the brakes on’ we may have been held back as kids, we have a strong inner critic and when the Moon is involved emotional reticence or social anxiety may be a part of things.. With my friendly Aquarian moon I love connecting but in our family it was a stoic, solitary world of a lot of duty, control, housework and perfectionism.. We did not get to kick back, mess up and have a lot of fun, so that is something Kat my therapist is always trying to encourage me to do. Its one of the reasons I force myself out of the house as much as I can to engage out there lately rather than just keep completely introverted, even as I love my times of introversion and solitude.
I am finding the things I can to be grateful for today.. Hopes of Scott and I meeting soon rapidly disappearing seem to have thrown a dampner on things. The promise of connection comes and something happens each time to block it.. He doesnt have the Mars Saturn block but I do. I get so tired of it. But I just did a one card tarot draw and the card that came up from the Lover’s Tarot was Magic.. that said that it involved a capacity to experience a renewed experience of personal power and ability to grow beyond past limitations.. So possibly that alternative exists.. in keeping my heart open despite blockages and embracing fear doubt negativity and uncertainty while surrendering..that may be the way to find my way to magic = faith + open mindedness + trust + belief = the healing equation.
There is always a way to exercise hope.. The problem with having an unhappy childhood is that it just seems to keep repeating itself until we realise we have the chance to actually embrace happiness and move forward. That is what I am feeling today.. My happiness very much depends upon the choices I make and the actions I take.. This post is one that I wrote just before Christmas.. Today I find myself in a more positive space.. Giving voice to all of the pain and limits is important and we can only grow past them once we fully acknowledge them.. There is a way to find gratitude even for all of the painful things once we realise that being thwarted was a lesson in telling us what we most need and what most has value for our soul.. .We are now the ones in charge of our own happiness and our own destiny.. This is something I feel grateful today to be realising.
Emerging From The Dark Night 