Saturn on top of my Mars Moon Saturn just seems to be bringing up fury lately over stuff that happened in the past.. Yeah I know its been and gone but the times I was actively blocked by someone or prevented from moving forward especially in my marriage is coming up.. I could have rebelled then I should have fought for my truth but I caved I buckled and then the truth got twisted around to make me seem like the bad guy. . Add to this the fucking confusion of this nearly 30 month debacle with Scott and at the moment I feel like I am going to fucking blow.. My therapist is also away so that means I have no outlet at all for all of the energy (e-motion) except for writing here.
I had a closer think about that angry woman in the dream of yesterday.. I wish i never feared anger as much a I did. I wish I never got as punished for it.. I wish I never saw such poor examples of self assertion in my family but the hard truth of it is I did not and so learned to stuff mine with all my other feelings. The truth is no one in my family even tried to support me after Dad died, although I will say one thing my brother encouraged my mother to come and visit me and my friend oversea in London a year after Dad died and he made the effort with his family to travel to London to see me in 1986.. I was in Norwich with my partner of the time Simon and I took the train to London for the day to see he and his young children. They used to go over to Europe each year to ski before he bought his place in Utah about 10 years ago.
Past may be past but its shadows linger. and its only natural memories abound at this time of year in the window leading up to Dad’s death in 1985.. I am getting triggered by Scott and in fact my whole unconscious attracted this so there is no getting out of it by blaming anyone at all. We get what we settle for, even if the forces driving us are deeply unconscious at the time.. Saturn returns are a time of reckoning with our past choices and karma too and there is an ancestral component to this with the Moon also being aspected by Saturn. Saturn rules separation and some wound of the fathering principle or paternal inheritance (when aspecting the Sun as it did for both Mum and Dad) and the mothering one or maternal inheritance when aspecting the Moon (as it does for me.) I seem to be facing a lot of past karma over poor choices lately.. I get angry with myself.
The important thing for me now is to make some kind of creative use of all of these past blockages and ‘failures’ which are none other than the working out of my destiny. There was something I read in a book by Marion Woodman years ago in which she said that Carl Jung once mentioned that when it comes to the outworking of fate or karma you can either be dragged by it kicking and screaming or summon up the courage and fire to embody it with some kind of grace.. I would prefer the second option which is why when I felt this rage bursting out of me in the shower today I have been doing my best to channel and contain it, though I did kick a couple of walls. At least I haven’t damaged myself
I need to be pulling on the power of prayer right now.. Grace, fortitude and serenity to accept the things I don’t like the outcome of but must come to terms with and cannot change and courage to take action to make something good of this and this involves letting go of the money I got hooked into sending to this guy since June 2018. I get texts promising it back and then in the same breath long winded messages of love expressing undying devotion along with the wish he has to be with me and get off deployment but why do they keep these guys for 5 years with no break? It just does not make sense..
Anyway I am okay I just needed to vent today.. I feel so blessed for this community.. Just having two special blogger mates reach out to say hi via comments yesterday really made my day.. I am never alone as long as I have my loved WordPress community.. I know I keep saying it but you being here as well as all you express makes me realise on a daily basis that everyone goes through similar stuff.. maybe not giving life savings to someone they never met, but other things that we do share…so once again wishing you a special day on your side of the world.. I love you guys, thanks for being here to listen and care.. .. ❤
Emerging From The Dark Night 