I considered titling this post.. We look in all the wrong places for love but then I thought the human heart is designed for connection and so this impulse can drive us to so many situations and maybe they are not the wrong places, sometimes life just keeps giving us hard relentless lessons.
I heard back from Scott last night. When the SECARMY guy arrived they had a number of meetings. They told him his deployment will end in February and he is on the list of soldiers to go to Iraq for 24 months, unless he can pay for his replacement soldier.. I had already sent him a lot of texts accusing him of playing me which broke his heart all over again when he finally logged on to read them on his Thursday morning.. There is no way I can help him now I do not have the means but I trust 100 percent he is genuine.. it is what I felt in my heart but my head got confused..perhaps, sometimes we cannot have what we most long and wish for.
I was not going to let it derail Christmas morning.. We got out for a walk to the Peace Park and managed to find a cup of coffee at MacDonalds and I took Jasper to the Old Parliament House rose gardens and it was a lovely thing to do on Christmas morning.. I am not missing family. I am not calling them, this year I will have the people in my life to reach out to me.. I do not seem to exist as a real person to my family with real needs and a heart, or if I do they don’t have any interest in really connecting.. I think it’s just probably the way of the world, its not wired the way I wish, hope or expect it to be. I would not be going through all of this if the world actually worked in an ordered logical way and I am beginning to see things are so often not clear and our best thinking can lead us astray.. Its all been a lesson.
I want to be happy. I am determined to be happy and I will not by pass suffering, pain or sadness on the way to that happiness and peace.. for me it comes from accepting what is that i cannot change and reaching out from deep within to do what makes my day happier and the lives of other better and change something if I can.. but then there are times to let go… For so long I lay about in resentment wishing and hoping others would help me, notice me, want to be engaged deeply. In a way Scott having pulled on me for nearly 3 years to get him out is a reflection of this.. So maybe he is a mirror in some way.. I just know it’s not working out and I trust God has a plan.
Maybe Scott and I need to let each other go for a while but I still love this person I have come to know and often wounded so badly with my fear and mistrust. I wont stop loving him.. I just have to love, its my nature and I have to try and forgive the loveless, fearful, confused, dark places and corners of my own heart and psyche.. I see all this happening with him as a universal Twin Soul lesson, but I also see the hunger it came from in me and how my unconscious attracted me in some way to a no win situation..
I had that dream about Boko Haram, the military and the Nazis around the time all their meetings were taking place.. These guys have done 3 years of service with no leave and now they ship them off for another 2? I just don’t get it. Where is the human feeling? Are they fucking machines? I feel my head bursting while taking this on board, while knowing its the way of the patriarchal world. An innocent guy is caught up in all of this desperate to get out and I CANNOT HELP HIM… These are the cold hard Saturnian facts there is no getting around. I am praying but I just do not see any solution to this situation coming.. But knowing I am loved and can love still despite everything, that made it easier to reach for life today.
Emerging From The Dark Night 