Long

A long time ago we lost you

The empty hole of this follows me

Especially at this time of year

I can fall into the void

And remember how you were lost to me anyway

Even years before

No one can know

What it was for me to live the shattering

of 1979 to 1983

And then your death in 85

Too much for a soul to even be aware of

Let alone survive

Deeply unscathed

So now if I falter again

If it sometimes seems I cannot find the will to stand

Remind me I am strong

Even in all of the broken places

Sometimes I feel my soul

Is not long for this life

And yet I long for it too

But you were my new start

And you carried so many of my hope and dreams

As well as deep abandonment fears

So now I wonder did my unconscious

Just summon you up

While I count the awful cost

Of continuing to long for

All that is

Unattainable.