I collected my sister

I collected my sister from the hospital at 11.0 am today

It was so good to see her more alive

Although I could sense as we walked out how vulnerable and shattered she feels inside..

#She said that yesterday she was experiencing a sense of elation at being free, but that had passed today. It was lovely to see her hair now a mix of the old and the new style, it had more movement in it and was lighter and freer.. on reflection I do not think my comment about her old style being quiet helmet like was not totally mean or unfair but honest to what I felt.

I actually felt joy being able to help her up to her apartment with her bags.. I know people who follow my blog got upset about her yesterday sharing she was my Dad’s favored child.. It really hurt me but it wasn’t meant to be malicious.. it came out when I was questioning how she related to Dad as they were closer than he and I were and by the time I hit 14 I was really rebelling against my father and what I saw as his ‘capitalism’. So its no wonder my father had more tender feelings for my sister.. Its all part of the way it goes in families.. And my father was 41 when I was born which was very old for a father in the 1962s. He was a younger 34 when my sister was born.

That said the absence of my father’s compassion, empathy and support at critical junctures of my life, damaged my evolution and development severely.. it may not have been a deliberate attempt to harm me but it cut me down at a critical time and its taken time for me to see how the outfall of buried pain played out in addiction and intra and interpersonal wounding and not to blame myself. I also see how when we get hurt by family we stay close anyway trying to get what was missing and how that later derails our development even further, but the soul must seek in some way to repair or play out the tangled attachment connections, severings and woundings.

This helping of ‘Scott’ is all tied up with my father wound.. I read something on the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine last night on the Facebook Ascension page. It said we have to be careful what we DFs are projection on the Divine Masculine and tend to our father wound.. Wow did that make sense of two poems I wrote earlier in the week. I sensed Dad so remote for me and I never got to build a strong inner masculine and then the rage would come out and that would only push people away.. its only my therapist Kat who has been able to validate this for me. The anger is cry of the true self and must be used to strengthen what is weak or collapsed inside of myself, but it has hurt many of the men in my life.

Doing no contact will not help if I push away in pain and angry rebellion.. Its far better for me to stay as connected as I can to family while working it all through and keep distance when needed . My understanding is if we run and seek separation or geographical cure we just take all of our unresolved issues with us.. Far better to go into the family and get clarity, so our true self can emerge

Anyway for what it is worth those are today’s insights.. I left my sister to go do her shopping in town and we are going to catch up for a meal tonight as I won’t see any family now during Christmas.. I will be on my own for it with Jasper but I feel happy about it. I am not an exile to my own life. I am still finding my way back to my own true self and heart and the path home and of psychological separation is not always easy. Often it is littered with broken glass, tangled brambles and thorns.