it can take some time to find my solid ground in the mornings.. I had so many powerful dreams last night and having dinner with my sister who was so so fragile really bought home to me that she is actually closer to a more reality now and not as ‘high’ as she was but it was hard to see how locked in her body she is…. I can see that during the last stint of ‘wellness’ or functioning she was not really in her true self and was running running running. She shared with me that the car she brought was a mistake and not right for her.. its a huge Mercedes and when she bought it I found it very uncomfortable and wrong somehow. .Apart from this we talked a lot about mental illness and the stigma and shame of it.. its hard for my sister to function in life with much of a solid sense of ground beneath her and I do relate.
To be honest I woke feeling a bit this way myself today. I got showered and dressed and have eaten some cereal with nuts and cuddled Jasper.. I have therapy at 11 which is good but sometimes I think the truth of our deeper soul experience here at times goes beyond even therapy.. I trust the power of the unconscious though. In last night’s dream I was arguing with people leaving the bottle shop after them spending over 400 dollars on booze.. I told them they should be trying to help the homeless.. It is interesting to me considering my family’s history of alcoholism. Then some young boys took issue with me and I thought they were going to try to beat me up.. I am not really sure what this dream means but when my sister was not well and in Melbourne before her family had her committed she rang and started berating me about going to Al Anon.. She was saying to me “you should get your bloody act together and help the homeless instead of going to those bloody meetings, all they try to teach you there is to put yourself first.” I think she may have been drinking a lot at the time.
Like all dreams I will let this one settle. I woke knowing I am alone (and yet not alone within myself when present for, and in touch with my self) and my family fractured irrevocably. My brother is having a Christmas with his youngest son and 30 family, my sister had called him and he was a bit overwhelmed by the prospect.. I thought of how introverted our family really was. Family Christmases are no longer a part of my life and to be honest.. I am coming to terms with it.. Spiritually I am not 100 percent into all the gift giving and over eating.. I used to find some of the food quite rich.. It will be a quiet one for Jasper and I.
I also have this thing with Scott hanging over my head.. I am so tired of it.. I have been pulled around by it so much.. I don’t really know what to do so I am going to do nothing and pray about it.. If the SECARMY guy gets there tomorrow as he has told me they will have to sort out this issue of his transfers and taxes.. I am not looking forward to tomorrow in that regard but I am having a lunch with a friend tomorrow.
I want to find more peace in 2021. Social distancing seems to have changed so much.. Sue told me a funny thing last night, it was that her youngest grandson took a tape measure to meet Santa at the shops the other day… he said he needed it to measure the exact social distance he needed to keep from Santa. Apparently Santa was pretty blown away by it but it could only inwardly shake my head.. Where the hell is love and sponteneity going to go in the face of all of this? What a profound sense of anxiety around being close it will engender for younger ones growing up in this climate absorbing all the sense of fear, threat and anxiety?. Then I think of my own Saturn in Aquarius and think how much my own anxiety at trying to be close or risk honest authentic relations with others has been. Maybe its all just life, far from ideal and perfect.
Each day though I push through all my negative inner fear chatter just to move forward. I like to think being there in an authentic way for my sister helps her somehow.. In truth we both struggled and struggle. I see why her family don’t embrace me, it is just how it is. I am no longer taking it personally. When I signed up to do recovery I signed up to accept life on life’s terms.. I have to adjust myself to it, if I really want to keep living in any way that allows some degree of engagement with others, but the quiet times of finding my inner ground are so essential too.. for so long I lost my moorings and was battling wild seas.. I pray that those seas are starting to calm a little bit more each day as I practice, gratitude, open mindedness and acceptance while surrendering myself to the next part of my journey.
Emerging From The Dark Night 