I wrote this back in November while contemplating my sister’s struggles, my struggle to connect and the up coming anniversaries of my Mum’s birthday and death.
Even though I am writing a lot about grief right now I do not want to forget about the joy and sense of spiritual comfort that can live inside a heart that knows the soul of a loved one to be eternal. I was actually doing a lot of praying and 3rd step work earlier today.. I was reaching out in spirit to my Godfather, Uncle Piet who died in 2004 and was so kind to me in the later sober years.. He left Holland at the same time as my Dad in 1938 and they were close for a time. When I was struggling a few years after Dad died, and he and my Godmother tried to support me, he gave me great insights into what fueled my Dad’s economic ambition and in time led to his downfall as it may often do in the family inheritance of the lives of many immigrants leaving War torn Europe, or other situations of dire or life threatening poverty, struggle to survive and trauma : the Kennedy clan being one notable example (Joe Senior escaped the Irish famine with his family and it was his ambition that drove his son, John.)
I see how hard my Dad worked to establish some security for us. I see also what it cost him as well as the emotional repression of stoicism.. I also see so much of my father in my sister who is currently hospitalised. It has been harder to draw close to her at times and I see my failure in this regard, being younger its not easier dealing with older siblings…. sometimes complex grief or resentment on the downward trajectory can manifest in all kinds of ways, but then there is also the love and longing and desire to be attached and connected to siblings.. to be seen and got that may dog us too, lingering from childhood. But the truth probably is that we all evolve in different ways in life and just because we have siblings it does not necessarily mean we can always connect deeply with them.. In some cases that may be too difficult.
With my sis I felt the flow of love opening between us before she was hospitalised this last time even though she continued to do some hurtful things out of insensivity, I also see the way my own withdrawal affected the interactions. I see how I battled it all because her way of handling things is different, but its certainly not worse at all, I feels so sad though when she so often says to me ‘you are so lucky that you can cry’, as years of medication and other invasive therapies blocked that pathway for her. I am aware Mum’s death anniversary arrives just 3 weeks before Dad’s and her birthday is in less than a week. That may be a tough time for my sister.
Sometimes we don’t have to say a lot but its nice to draw close to someone when they are going through a tough time. The worst thing is to let your fear of what they are going through push you away.. I see that happened to me so many times with my sister. Sometimes she tried to be close and I was avoidant.. God knows sibling relationships are complex but lately I do see how many times I did push away and this is why (in the more recent times I visit) I try to be with her more quietly. At heart, like my Dad, she internalises and is a deep feeling person even if her brusque manner (Mars in Sagittarius .. same as my father) sometimes denies it..
My sis has as strong watery influence while I am watery but very airy too, so sometimes it may seem like I am dancing over the tougher vulnerable feelings only to feel a wave of them rise up to drag me down again, that said sometimes its just good to be close to a person and not say too much, just recognising that sometimes presence says more than words.. The soft touch of a hand, a kind smile, a gentle thought.. These are the things we need when the river of pain or grief runs deep..
Wow this post has meandered all over the place my intentions in starting to write it was to say that even though we grieve a loved one, their soul is always (at least to my mind) available to us and strongly connected to us. Maybe its easier to feel the bond with someone who loved us and showed us this love in a more overt way. But this does not deny that love may exist where it sometimes feels absent to us. A wounded soul may reach back to a son or daughter or loved one from beyond the grave to seek healing, as is shown in both the movie The Shack as well as the spiritual connection work done by talented mediums such as James Van Praague..
I came across James through a library book on grief which helped me a lot after my mother died in 2017, 3 years after my older sister, signs came as he explains in the book (a butterfly that stayed in the one spot for 3 days then died, feathers, a cockatoo that flew into the house and looked at me intently before knocking something off the chest my sister’s daughter in law had recently given me.) I could feel their presences so often and often prayed to them too.
So although death may feel like the end for some of our relationships to me it really isn’t, as anyone we knew in life who deeply touched our soul or influenced our fate does remain connected to us, and I believe this can involve long gone ancestors as well and it is still possible to do healing work with them, through meditation, prayer and angels.
As the time of my great great grandparents emigration draws closer at this time of year I think of them particularly when I watch TV shows set in Cornwall and sometimes I feel their voices on the breeze as they try to tell me things I need to know that lay hidden inside their own hearts. Honoring that eternal connection seems such an important part to me of remembering where the buried roots of certain experience lie.
Emerging From The Dark Night 