Bleak

Things look pretty bleak today.. I am trying my best to stay active and reach for positive solutions but my heart and trust has been stretched to maximum capacity over the past few hours.. Scott turned around and told me me needs 2,150 dollars for transportation fees to the airport this morning.. After telling me two weeks ago that the amount I sent him was categorically the final amount and he would be out of there and home in a short space of time and I would have my money paid back pretty much immediately, now this which he claims he was hiding from me due to fear!.. After our huge ‘trust’ argument on Wednesday he lands this on me at 6 am and I just could not believe it). I just want to find a way to extricate myself from it all.. He has been tangling me up in nets of obligation and confusion pretty much since June 2018. Any sane grounded realistic person would not have gone to these lengths and partly I am berating myself as I know for my ongoing life I MUST NOT BE A VICTIM OR BLAME ANYONE OR ANYTHING OUTSIDE MYSELF in this life.. I know I always play a part in things even if its just being so naive.

I have to keep a sense of realism (after all I am going through a major Saturn transits to Mars and the Moon as well as my second Saturn return.) I cannot buy into his fucking fairytales any more. I fell for it all hook line and sinker, he could be genuine but to load me with this much of his financial stress triggers all the other stuff I carried or got dumped into me as an empath and in our emotionally disconnected family I don’t want it all any more.. This is making me stoic, cold and hard in one part of me.. It is making me like steel.. And I think its a good thing, sentiment, compassion, empathy it all has a place but it can become too much of the wrong thing when given to the wrong cause or person or situation.

Writing helps me anyway.. Jasper and I got out to the lake and we often meet people, today it was a mother with two sons, they were casing out the park for a farewell, the older son is going to live with his father in Queensland.. I could not help but see it as some kind of message.. If things dont work out with Scott (and that is looking more and more likely) I want to go up and spend some time with my family there at some point. Anyway these brief moments of connection are what keeps me going living alone and are part of the reason is important to get up and out of the house and not smothering in worry, hurt, anger or other negativity.. The anger over all of this is for a reason but with Mars and Pluto very close to exact square I cannot fight the larger process. Its in the hands of the God’s what happens now.. he doesn’t have many other avenues of help… and I am still partially doubting it all at this point.. I have to be honest.. I still have a pretty hefty dose of skepticism over it all.