I went into that deep dark lonely place again yesterday when I had to defend myself to Scott. It was deeply painful to me. I felt myself drowning and scambling desperately as I so often did with Mum. Dad stood a long way off at these times and gave no support. The anger at my Mum was intense, so intense.. I felt all of that yesterday when he could not show compassion to my insecurities, while on another level feeling like a ‘coward’ and as though I had fallen short and he was not letting it go this time. He was then cutting contact as he had to go leaving me in panic and anger to work out all the emotions via copious texts. Today I had the most horrendous stomach ache after sending copious apologies.. and I had to shut off the phone. It was work but I really located my inner child in my gut and felt such compassion for her and her plight in our distant, avoidant, emotionally shut down family. I asked her what she needed and made sure she knew its not up to Scott or anyone else to give me this if I cannot give it to myself first. I held through and my body symptoms actually relaxed.
The book written by Nancy Van Dyken on everyday narcissism was invaluable this morning. She said when we or others act out on us due to wounding it goes back to an unmet need or needs from childhood, one of these is to be believed by parents, to be got, but so often WE DO NOT GET THAT.. Maybe the parent doesn’t have time, maybe they are preoccupied, they may be stressed, an issue Gabor Mate talks about a lot in his talks, but a stressed parent often is not present and then may be placing the stress on us if they lash out like my Mum did. Sadly I lash out too but maybe i do better than my sister who does not and takes Dad’s avenue which was to grin and bear it and distance both physically and by avoidance.
The truth is as adults its up to us to get our needs met and we cannot always manipulate or co-opt others to do this. This is what Scott has been doing to me for so long, first asking for the money to get out then for a phone (after his broke) and then for medical treatment and birthday cake and wine. I said no to the last one as anyone who has followed my blog knows back in October.. That said I feel for this guy stuck over there.. I am touched by his promises of love but I also know if I let bad behavior or a lack of empathy go down in this relationship like I did in the last one and MAKE MYSELF BAD (which I did again by text this morning) it wont end well. I fawn and then collapse.. and do not fight.. Well I fought a bit yesterday after getting so terrified of abandonment forgetting I AM NOT A CHILD ANY MORE I AM AN ADULT AND I MUST NOT SELF ABANDON.
I know its not impossible now to soothe myself and I can validate that Scott feels hurt I am having trouble trusting 100 per cent until we meet, after all anyone could use this a manipulative ploy as well putting it all down to the other person being ‘less than’ He usually does not do that to me but he did yesterday and by God it made me hurt and angry, but as an empath I could also feel his hurt..
Everyday narcissism makes us grow up thinking so much is our ‘fault’or we may try to pin the blame on others in the present when we act out…………that doesn’t help as we are not owning our own part in it as an adult or looking to where the original wounds lay. I do feel stronger today.. Scott said he loves me unconditionally and does not want to lose me.. but I also did not self abandon and I did so appreciate those comments from three precious friends on here today.. I know this attachment stuff goes deep. I am a work in progress.. Slowly I am learning not to self negate and to have boundaries, sometimes I chose to collapse them for the sake of love when I feel the other person was not being malicious was only scared of losing love and connection like I can so often be when hurtful things from the past rise up in the present.
Emerging From The Dark Night 