Our mind can be far ranging.. It can be limited at times.. At times we set up the walls of our prison with our thoughts and swirling underneath like ancient presences in deeper waters and in our body (and even our cerebrospinal fluids that flush through our cells and tissues) may be the remnants or swells of old ground waves, themes of loss, abadonment, being left alone in the wilderness or even deep deep grief, but so deeply buried it is not always possible for us to touch the truth of the massive tides and themes until they are triggered.
Getting up and out and walking always helps my mind.. Like today after Scott and I reconnnected he needs even more money. I am so sick of this, sick of being nice, sick of thinking because I have (or at least used to have) the resources I ‘should’ helped.. I helped and kept on helping but when he treats my sensitivities with such complete disregard I get over it all. I had to set a boundary AGAIN.. AND THEN THE ARGUING INSIDE MY HEAD THAT WAS GOING ON DURING THE WALK BUT THE TRUTH IS I AM SICK OF HELPING I AM SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF BEING PULLED ON AND RIGHT NOW I do not care if I have to be alone as I am only as alone as my thinking makes me when it veers recklessly towards abandonment themes and schemas. Also I won’t be sworn at for having minimum funds or feeling justified fear in such a difficult situation.
Anyway enough about that .. I am not a victim. I let this happen. I truly want to be an adult these days and let my inner child live BUT WITHIN GOOD BOUNDARIES.. My joy is mine to find, and it is touched sometimes when I touch base with the hearts and souls of other here, and the friend I am meeting soon for lunch who has been in my life since I was about 5. Romantic love is different to this kind of love but so often it gets fed on dreams and illusions.. We cannot make of another our source, for our source is life and we can, as two spirits unite and meld and merge for a time but then we go back to ourself and our source, at least this is what I am learning and that IT IS OKAY TO BE ANGRY AND FIGHT.. EVEN IF IT SCARES THE BEJESUS OUT OF ME OR OTHER PEOPLE AT TIMES AS LONG AS i AM NOT DOING VIOLENCE BUT JUST LETTING MY TRUE GROUND BE KNOWN i WILL BE OKAY.. and I will calm down in time and then just need not to turn on myself as I was turned on as a child and told I was ‘bad’ for trying to say no to something that was not right for me.
Our true self rests on knowing what we need and on knowing as an adult taking care of us means being a good loving parent to us.. Our earthly worldly fathers and mothers may fall well short of archetypal ideals but its never too late for us to learn how to champion and grow a healthier more nurturing mother or father inside of ourselves. We do this by feeling and grieving our (and our ancestors) original wounds and by tending them in loving self compassion and healthy grounded discipline.
This recent eclipse cycle in my fourth house of father foundations has shown me where mine are shaky due to the way Dad’s and Mum’s relationship and anger or assertion and frustration styles worked. I never got to learn the way to express, assert, or even understand my needs and desires and feelings in a healthy way.. I see a lot of this as what is ailing my sister at the moment..
There but for the grace of God Go I, if I just look to drugs to do it for me… forgetting that as Louise Hay says ‘the power lies within’. As Gabor Mate said quoting the Buddha “do not follow me or even place your faith in my teachings but find your inner truth and learn how to light your own lamp.” When it is dark and cold and loveless inside our hearts and minds or we meet this climate in what others bring to us or how they treat us this is what we need to learn to do. Others cannot do it for us. We must. Then when we feel full enough we can reach out a hand to others or be a light to them too, as others will, in being witnesses to their own individuation struggle be there as a light for us when we choose to go forward on that path of growing consciousness, love and light.
Emerging From The Dark Night 