Reading up on the recent eclipse much was written about belief, what we put our faith in and a sense of meaning being challenged since the eclipse occurred on the 14th in the sign of Sagittarius. In Sagittarius we are concerned with an over view of meaning instead of details and facts as in Gemini though Gemini as a twin sign and ruled by the winding meaning making energy of Mercury/Hermes always travels between the two worlds of conscious and unconscious, ego and shadow, upper world and lower or inner worlds.. Much of our beliefs may be formed in the crucible of our earliest experiences as well as those senses of trust, faith and being safe.. If that foundation was never securely built inside of us it may always be subject to threats from the fearful unconscious past and since we often project what we know or have experienced often it sometimes (a lot of the time!) ends in tears.
I was challenged last night after listening to several talks given by Gabor Mate to read an article by another psychologist saying he feels his view of addiction is far too reductionist.. That said I wonder if this psychologist was writing from within his own experience, as Gabor does.. As a baby who was surrounded by the energy imprints of the Nazi invasion of Hungary he absorbed that fear and distress and he shares about this in several of his talks. Apparently when it was happening he started crying so his mother called a pediatrician who told her a lot of Jewish babies were crying due to picking up the psychic climate of stress and distress being communicated to their mothers and families.
As babies we have no clearly formed ego and can be psychic sponges for so much that surrounds us energetically and this experience for Gabor as well as the stress he and his family went through in leaving Hungary must have given him empathy for others going through the pain and struggle and later perhaps burying feelings underneath addictive behavior.. It can be a huge part of human nature to reach for something when we are in distress to soothe, us but sometimes that something can be damaging or not as helpful as another thing. I think this was the principal argument of the psychologist challenging Gabor’s view of addiction that addiction should not be an excuse for not finding better ways to manage or use will power. The problem is that when we are under the influence of a compulsion it can be hard to contain that or hold ourselves psychologically and with necessary empathy until we begin to develop more awareness around how we can respond to such impulses in a healthier way.
I got triggered again with Scott being absent for days this morning, by the time i got his texts we only had 20 minutes left to speak and it got heated pretty quickly.. The exchange ended in a huge argument this morning and him threatening to cut contact until he get home. The fact is his contact is irregular and I do now know when he is getting out or even if! He got enraged as I questioned how genuine he is again and said it was actually a ‘privilege’ for me to be able to help him out of there! My God did that trigger me.. I got so angry with him about it but by that time he threatened not to communicate with me again and had left for patrol. I went full force into an abandonment spiral following this, add to this a friend just cancelled lunch on me because she came down with a cold and is in fear of having Covid. That’s okay I rolled with it, disappointed as I was, she has to take care of herself. When the loneliness void opened up I just had to remind me that adult self is fine with this even if my inner child gets triggered and feels a sense of overwhelming drowning panic!!!.. Sometimes the longed for contact just ends up getting cut for me with my Saturn Chiron Moon Mars Pluto Moon. I come out all guns blazing..
I need to keep reminding myself even if my insecure attachment gets people sick of me and they cannot show compassion for how insecure I often feel, I will survive, as long as I dont keep blaming myself. That said I wish I could handle it better at times.. ..I was blaming myself and then told Scott I was angry, after all I cannot see what is going down.. he usually contacts me by Tuesday and I did not hear until Wednesday and then I did not know if he and his colleagues were involved in trying to rescue the 300 kids abducted at the weekend, I read up last night that Boko Haram only just claimed responsibility for this kidnapping.
I got Jasper and I out for a walk, even though it is raining.. I went through my anxiety spiral with Scott and send him about 8 short messages and 2 video messages. I didn’t hold back.. I am going to be authentic I don’t want to be blamed for being insecure but I also know unlike those with secure attachment it may forever dog me. This anniversary of losing Dad brings up too, the deep ancestral theme of having a connection broken again..
When Scott tells me he wont talk to me until he gets home but does not even show the courtesy of telling me when that may be WHEN I HAVE SENT THIS GUY NEARLY ALL OF MY LIFE SAVINGS I GET VERY VERY ANGRY.. I TOLD HIM THIS.. I WAS NOT GOING TO HOLD IT BACK EVEN IF A PART OF ME THINKS ITS NOT FAIR ON HIM.. but then I panic at the thought I may be all alone for the rest of my life, even as another (more adult saner part of me) knows I will manage whatever. its just when the abandonment gets triggered the feeling of groundlessness becomes huge. Who know, maybe that is the true reality of things, as Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron so often reminds us.
I cried a fair bit on the walk today with Jasper.. who struggled to keep up as I hit a quick pace.. I thought of how hard it can be for me to have faith and trust in life and things being okay.. I thought too of how I can lash out at times out of fear and insecurity and make things even worse.. All I can do is own this ‘defect’ or vulnerability.. I did apologise to Scott even as I know not all of this is my fault. The desperation of feelihg so alone after Mum died with my sister well down the rabbit hole and unable to reach out beyond her own pain to see how I was was intense. That said knowing how to comfort myself is important.. I just despair at times though that my insecure attachment might not end up driving everyone away.
Emerging From The Dark Night 