When you go down in front of me the waves become really high and tretcherous, I do not even know it is fear I only feel like I want to fight, but fighting and assertiveness or even my anger might frighten you or cause your tender skin, wounds like a sharp knife. My assertiveness and fear might scare you to death, like it frightened Mum. But deep inside I know you are frightened too, you are frightened to fight for what you feel and want, you are scared into submission by the bullies, those whose voices are louder who have no clue of all you have been through in your life and their screams, like mine, besides coming out of a love for you may also come out of our own self centredness. But for some of the bullies they also come out of arrogance, of feeling they have answers they do not have because deep down inside their souls, they too, are so frightened of their own vulnerability.
Al Anon says to keep the focus on my life, to not allow your suffering to take me down, but I do not yet know how “to care and not to care” in the words of T S Eliot.. How can I leave you all alone? It all feels so wrong, so all I do is pray while part of me cries to Mum and Dad saying how much I HAVE FAILED YOU WHILE KNOWING THIS IS NOT ENTIRELY TRUE. (then they whisper they love me and know I am doing my best.)
Yesterday in a comment someone accused me of whinging and seeking attention, I let it slide they have not lived my life they do not know the struggle I have had to stay connected while knowing at times my salvation would lie in running away. Sometimes that is what we must do to save our own life, our own sanity, and that living alone I write to save my soul because I need to get the thoughts out and I post them to be brave even as I feel terrified to be judged. If attention comes, then how lucky am I?
Sometimes I get stuck in thinking there may be something I can do, then something else cries out to me whether it is my ancestors reminding me of their painful sea crossing surrounded by so much chaos and illness at thsi time of year reflected in my own fear of mess and vibrant plants dying due to too much summer sun, the voice of angels and God reminding me I am safe and all will be well, or the wise voice of Peter Levine who explains how the traumatised get captured by intense internal symptoms that leave us survivors experiencing terror every day, or the wise poet who yesterday spoke to me in his poem about surviving the storm, reminding me of the resilience of the human spirit to survive it all.
Despite the storm now EVERY SINGLE DAY i GET UP AND KEEP MOVING i WALK, i DRAW CLOSE TO NATURE, i PLANT NEW PLANTS, i TIDY UP, i FALL TO THE GROUND IN GRIEF, i REACH OUT TO OTHERS, i READ, i ENJOY MY LUNCH AND MORNING COFFEE. THIS IS THE WAY I HANDLE MY TRAUMA AND YOU HANDLE YOURS DIFFERENTLY SO LET ME SHOW RESPECT FOR THAT .. LET ME LET THE FORCE OF WHATEVER IS HAPPENING FLOW WHILE I KEEP CENTERING MYSELF IN LIFE, DESPITE THE STORM, DESPITE THE FEAR, DESPITE THE GRIEF.. DESPITE MY AT TIMES INTENSE FEELINGS OF POWERLESSNESS. But let my panic not always guide me to actions that come out of fear and may in the end be both unnecessary or not at all useful for either of us.
Emerging From The Dark Night 