on feeling safe : some thoughts

I get totally overwhelmed with my body symptoms at times. The period after lunch of digesting food seems difficult much of the time.. It is physically uncomfortable to just sit still with them and practice self calming.. I need to remind myself continually I am not under threat but my mind is very busy, sometimes I must calmly and gently remind my mind to let go, quit spinning its disaster scenarios and let go into peace or non thinking..or just repeat “I am safe” concentrating on by breath and staying WITH not abandoning my body.

At least I am not as paralysed as I used to be.. Often when body symptoms hit I could be caught up or partially immobilised in a twist or push pull trauma spiral for anything from 30 minutes to a hour and a half or more. Connecting with others at times seems threatening and I cannot always recognise the emotions running me, for example helplessness or fear, in the case of my sister until I touch base inwardly or connect to those feelings in the rooms of my therapist, Kat.. I had a huge outpouring of this on Monday with her. and yet yesterday (Tuesday) I got pulled in to trying to help her find other avenues to restore biochemical imbalances due to epigenetically passed down anxiety and stress, with natural means as opposed to pharmaceuticals.. A family relative who got herself off drugs due to adverse side effects sent me a lot of information on the weekend about pyrols and other abnormalities in processing in the body due to an absence or excess of other chemicals such as cortisol. I did ring my sister about it and she didn’t reject the idea, but it is probably something that needs to be discussed with her doctor.

Anyway there are things I can do to help others, and not lose myself. I must also help myself.. For me lately I am trying to be more active while realising stress due to two significant relationships that are not that stable right now often contribute to my anxiety, these make me feel unsafe and lessen my stability. Sometimes I still get trapped in knowing when I can reach out and be safe, what will help and what will also hinder the development of a feeling of solid ground within myself. Taking the risk, at times, even when things FEEL UNSAFE BUT REALLY AM NOT UNDER ANY REAL THREAT is important. Over riding fear messages that may mean something important for me and must be heeded is yet another issue. I would be really interested to hear from you in comments below how you deal with similar issues in terms of Complex PTSD, self care and feeling safe or unsafe in the world.

My therapist Kat keeps assuring me that feeling safe will become more of a reality for me as I grow even more, she said yesterday she sees so much growth in me in this regard, I am not as self protecting within my cocoon as I used to be. I am risking each day new ways of being in my body IN THE PRESENT MOMENT AND FULLY ALIVE, I am not as stuck in fear and contraction as I was and the mental torment of monkey mind still amps up on many days and nights but I can let go more of those disaster thoughts lately, as I open to the beauty in the world that wishes for me to open my heart and breathe it deeply in.