Clarity

It takes some time for clarity to dawn of our role in the wounded family.. I woke up this morning feeling the landscape had changed irrevocably for me. I saw things I could not see before, I felt great rage over things done to my sister and I also saw how naively I have managed things at times, wanting to belong I tried to force outcomes and fit myself into places I do not belong if I am real or genuine, that said I also have to accept I am part of inhuman systems at times and witness relationships where little insight or respect is shown to others and they get damaged as a result. In this situation I can have limited contact but must consent to standing on the outside, that helps me to keep my vision clearer. This all made sense when I looked to see the Moon was at 3 degrees Leo transiting in my 12th house while opposing Mars Saturn Moon and soon will trine Mars now moving forward at 17 Aries, so the pulls and bursts of energy I was feeling made sense as I fought to rise and get grounded into my day.

I now see things with my sister can never perhaps be changed by me. Her son and my mother did a huge number on her back in 2011 and the fall out of that was her suicide attempt in 2013, I firmly believe if she could have broken from Mum’s influence at that time she would not have had to undergo all that, they captured her and had her committed it was horrific, it all happened in Melbourne and from a great distance..She was running a bit amok at the time following leaving a difficult marriage but she needed far better help. Sadly my sister cannot take back her power in any way.. My nephew told me last night if the doctor does not keep her drugged she make take her life. When she tried to she was drug fucked already, in the bag taken by the paramedics on the day of the attempt I later took home I found about 3 different packages of medication. And googling the side effects : anxiety and suicidal feelings.. Go figure!!!’ I am not going to argue with him, he thinks he has all of the answers anyway but my sister’s earlier childhood trauma has never been dealt with and she is still carrying a lot of Mum and Dad’s stuff, as am I.

I need to take things quietly and gently.. Tomorrow is my 27th AA birthday so I need to draw close to my higher power at this time.. I am even detached with everything happening with Scott they got another alert and he had to leave early yesterday and Boko Haram have even more attacks on villages planned, they amp up their killing sprees around Christian festivals like Christmas and Easter.. Its so so sad and evil, so so loveless.

I am now free entirely of the self blame for my own abuse and narcissistic wounding.. I see I have done so well to come this far. Many do not make it this far drug free and I am so grateful for that.. If medication works for you (and I am sure some of it may help) all well and good but I am so grateful due to my own insight I chose not to take that path.. I like to live the most natural way I can.. I like to find my medicine in soul food, nature, music, healthy food, walking and exercise, time with my dog and God, in writing, reading, learning, engaging my mind.. I feel so blessed today to finally feel I may be able at last to break free on some kind of psychological level from my family without having to totally break contact.

For my sister I will always feel so desperately sad, but I have over past weeks had to recognise with humility the limits of my power.. The only person I have some control over is myself…but I also trust there is an organic process of change happening however positive change does demand our own action and positive movements as well as so much inner work, we can’t just sit around hopelessly or helplessly waiting for rescue, but when we do move forward in alignment and prayer then often doors open, people appear and things change in ways we could never have even hoped or expected. I firmly believe the angels and powers and ancestors are there and we can summon their help as we go forward to face the challenge of each new day, where we grow in insight and love, as well as hope to overcome obstacles and challenges presented to us.