Therapy was intense today, intense with feeling, intense with pain, intense with a sense of being unseen and unwanted as a child, intense with sorrow over my sister and unfelt memories of old tramas rising up.. But happiness in part at being able to be real with her yesterday, and to have been recognised by her on some level too.
I can’t deny all my life trying to dance as hard as I can in some way while struggling with knowing how to truly live as me in this world knowing what I suffered bodily and as a container and and not put myself and my truth to death
Overcaring can be a death for me..its sad to say, trying to help or fix the unfixable. Being too externally focused on hunger and yet there is also a deep longing to be kind, a sense of coming alive when being touched by or extending kindness or attention to others, in recognusing their hearts or souls, which makes my heart skip some beats.
I was sharing in therapy today how a good friend in AA once said to me she no longer wanted to go to.places she was not seen Until we see ourselves though we cannot really rescue the lost part of us so often disallowed or projected in over caring or unseen and unbirthed through childhood emotional neglect. And we kill.ourselves off as we were erased.
Kat recognised the intense feelings rising in my interaction with my sister yesterday, saying they are a lot to manage. My sister talks less while I flood the room with old memories of being hurt or Mum being hurt while Dad denied it. Thr incident of suffering third degrees burns to my foot on a caravan holiday in which Mum cleaning manically left a bucket of boiling water close to where I sat drawing came up yesterday..with a bit of other fury at unrecognised childhood neglect trauma being negated. My sister had injuries denied too snd tried to be such a good girl at home but then lived other realer parts of herself out.. managing to convince Dad to take her out of an all girls Catholic School and into Co Ed education. When I asked this Dad said no he also said no to boarding school. It was lonely at home with both he and Mum.after siblings left and being left alone all the time
Anyway my sister seems to struggle more now. I wish she was so much more alive..its like I have to do double work to express aliveness for both of us right now.
Kat acknowledged I was a late life unchosen pregnancy for Mum and Dad. They didn’t want to be there for me and denied things I wanted so why have me at all? That said I was meant to be and loved I am sure while being seen by an working older mother as a nuisance. So if I negate myself I learned that a long time ago..but it must change now. I’ve had brushes with death 3 times now…my body struggles most days as with chronic trauma and ABI (acquired brain injury) I often feel unsafe or on the precipice of death, poised over a giant void. Unless I seek the calm.of nature which is not a human world. Human relationships feel scary all the time I now recognise.
Lately I realise I need to brave and risk life, reaching out and connection too. Being true, real, messy and vulnerable brings me alive and helps me find a truer strength. If it fails it fails and I can survive and learn and even if I am treated like I mean nothing am nothing I know its not an ultimate truth just that for some I exist only as an unreal being cause they have judged a traumatic reality from the outside they could never fathom grounded solely in the black white perspective of the daylight rational world unhampered or shattered by trauma They never had to risk the Underworld with all its terrors as I did. It may have killed them. So due to ignorance they deny me and all trama survivors healing, recognition of our reality and a voice.
Emerging From The Dark Night 