I try my best to put a brave face on things but sometimes I think I am only holding things together by the thinnest of threads.. For some reasons weekends are very lonely, we got out for two walks today, I needed to do that, but then around 5 pm old ghosts and shadows grow, I feel like there is a brace around my heart around this time of day and sometimes lately I feel past bleeding into present.. My body work therapist always used to try and get me into the Now by reminding me of where I was and what I could see, hear, feel touch and taste in the present moment when a past trauma disguised as body memory pulled me in.. She would advise me against going too deeply ‘in’ or getting too ‘stuck’ in my trauma story and that can be difficult for some of us who froze on the point of a near death traumatic impact..
I seem to be holding onto my sanity this afternoon while feeling things are out of control, have just been clearing out old stuff from the fridge while making some roast veggies and a stuffed mushroom to go with tonight’s steak. I think of breaking down and calling my brother but i have to be strong when I speak to him out of the fear if I am ‘too emotional’ it will lead to problems. It is probably far better I contain myself tonight though and writing helps me with that.. I know I post a lot and some of it is all over the place but so it is. My blog is a selfish thing I know is not entertainment for anyone else, I use it as my therapy.
Things are probably not as bad as they seem in terms of ‘mess’. I am learning to embrace being a little messy and I am noticing my spin outs are decreasing.. I have to watch the inner critic telling me I am on the brink of absolute disaster if I don”t keep everything clean, tidy, schmick and perfect.. well its far from perfect here tonight there are books lying around and discarded shoes as warmer weather means the day starts in Sketchers for my walk and has to move into sandals later on.. . The saner part of me says just to ignore the yammering of the critic.
Writing helps me.. My thoughts are constantly on Scott.. this meeting they are supposed to be having about bringing him home.. He is a huge prayer and has a really strong faith in God so whenever I worry about things (which I do ALL THE TIME DUE TO MY PAST TRAUMA) he always tells me it will be okay in the end, as he has a firm belief.. He also told me by text this afternoon no matter how much I swear at him it will never stop him loving me, he is the most non retaliatory person I have ever known.. I think its those four planets in the calm peace loving sign of Libra.. making good aspects to my own.
Maybe the truth that I so often hid from myself is that in life, so much is so often outside of our control. I wonder at times if my therapy was not a way of trying to make sense of and control the uncontrollable. .. the more I go on in life and the more realistic I become the more I see lays outside of my control. And letting go of control helps my breath not to arrest as much.
Anyway this is YET ANOTHER POST FROM YOURS TRULY.. I’m not surprised followers get bored and go elsewhere as it’s all a bit self involved but in the end blogging is the place I can talk to on those days I don’t interact much with anyone else outside.. I am starting to accept that is the way of things now, even though at times I must be honest and say it scares me and makes me sad how much distance I keep from the world and much I subconsciously fear being ‘done over.’ I keep worrying this amount of being alone is going to make me ill, but maybe that is just False Evidence Appearing Real. At least getting my thoughts out onto the written page enables me to get a good hard look at them.
Emerging From The Dark Night 