My body is full of anxiety at the moment. It is a bit hard to hear and my sleep/wake cycle has been all over the place since Monday, on both nights I woke around 4.30 or 5 with so much going through my meridians and the fell back to sleep both days until 8.45 am (dreaming a lot during this last phase of sleep.) Sleeping that late is so rare for me with Complex PTSD but come to think of it with daylight savings in effect at present 8.45 am is actually 7.45 and I usually wake before dawn.. The falling back to sleep takes me deep into dreams, it also makes me miss Scott’t morning texts which always come between 7 am and 8.30 my time as they leave for patrol at 10.30 pm every day (if this is genuine.) After disappearing for days he was back yesterday but this is not rare as weekends there are intense as they try to protect churches on the weekend.
At the moment dealing with him is too much. it been intense with my sister mainly due to my tendency to panic and freak out.. I then reach out to talk to someone which can sometimes backfire if I dont manage the anxiety.. I connected with a friend on Monday after being so deep in tidal grief when Sue called to say she had been taken back into hospital. That passed when I shared with others on the ascension symptoms page. I am highly skeptical at times about ascension, though I do feel a flow of love wanting to move through me lately and wash me clean.. Even being able to phone my brother yesterday was a huge thing for me. He was fielding phone calls left and right and I had his scattered attention for only a brief moment, but at this time that needs to be enough. As my therapist says she feels he dissociates to survive in our family but he did share with me that he feels sad and helpless about my sister. Sadly no one shares grief at this time of year and I have found that SO HARD ever since feelings began to break through for me at around 6 years sober.. I must have just been so numb and dissociated, too before that. I cannot help but think my sister has to go down as she is holding something for all of us as a Pisces.. I do think she is profoundly affected by the ancestral problems as her birth date is the death date of one of the Eliza Jane babies that were born before my Great Great Grandmother, the third Eliza Jane.. Curiously my friend I met yesterday is born the same day, 19 February.
I got myself out alone to walk the bush walk by 9.45 am this morning. It was tough going and I had to do a lot of breathing, I could not stomach breakfast as I ate a big dinner last night of lamb cutlets roasted and steamed veg and then had strawberries with a little cream and ice cream, and it may have been a bit much after meeting my friend for a second coffee yesterday which I probably did not need.
Getting out of anxiety paralysis is an achievement for me to move and that is something that I notice has shifted since Mars went retrograde.. its trining my North Node over the next week in Leo and the Sun moved into Sagittarius (a fire sign) a few days ago so over the next 10 days Mars and the Sun will move into a trine which gathers and forces forward the Mars Aries push for identity and action in alignment with our true spirit, so that may be a part of the anxiety that I am feeling.
Add to this the deep intensity of Venus in Scorpio which just cleared the square to my Saturn in Aquarius yesterday and is now squaring my Moon at 6 degrees of Aquarius s it moves on to cross natal Neptune at 13 degrees in my house of siblings (the placement where Mum’s Scorpio stellium fell.. she longed for siblings and never had them as an only child of a single parent due to her Dad’s death at age 7 which is the first square to Saturn and at that time Saturn would have squared Mum’s Sun Mercury Saturn conjunction which rules fathers and the hard paternal legacy of emotional attachment separation.)
The astrology helps me to make sense of things for myself, even if its double dutch for my readers, so sorry for that but this blog is my externalisation therapy.. I cannot keep getting caught up in all of the emotion, at the same time as I need to allow it to move and flow.. water sometimes becomes stagnant in the lives of Scorpio’s their fear of being overpowered or vulnerable may make them hide or be very reserved, controlled or secretive or prone and then prone to emotional outbursts when they can no longer sustain the pressure of that repression. (or this may be Scorpio energy tinged with the Saturn vibe my Mum carried and passed onto my sister). My Neptune in Scorpio shows all of that banked up collective energy and its big for me, I strongly believe in the power of the ancestors.
Phew. Feeling a bit more grounded now after sharing this.. Its good to get into my body, I did a lot of cleaning up and sorting out after I got home from the walk. I put a load of washing on and swept up and as I did tears flowed, so tidying up doesn’t avoid me feeling, getting my body moving helps me to move out of Saturnian ‘lock down’and open up. The critic was hammering me the whole time but I just said to him today “thanks for all of that, but you are not going to tear me down or stop me moving forward” My friend affirmed me so much yesterday, she said its a travesty if I blame myself as I am one of the most special people she has ever known. “I honestly do not know how you have lived through all you have Deborah, you amaze me.” That made me cry. It really, really made me cry, though none of it would have been possible without the gifts of helpful connection (provided by a higher power) I have been lucky enough to find along the pathway of gathering some degree of emotional sobriety.
Emerging From The Dark Night 