When ever I share something about my sister on my blog, I often feel guilty. If I feel angry over things I try to reframe them but the truth is they hurt at the time. That said, I do not want to hold onto old hurts of things long past that could poison the ‘now’. When I am with her I feel torn between a terrible anxiety, fear of being ‘over the top’ too dominating, too happy and then I feel the sadness for her too and the longing for her happiness.
Maybe the painful feelings often feel a bit like messy shit or compost too.. Jasper and I just got back from our Peace Park walk and he rolled in shit again.. I was better this time, I didn’t get upset with him but I did tie him up for a while so I can drink my coffee, write this and so the duck pooh doesn’t get all over everything but driving home I had these thoughts.. If only I didn’t get a dog in 2012 I would have been more out in the world and I would not be so alone with the burden of caring for him… but these thoughts take me away from the present happiness of seeing him unbridled (and thus free to roll in pooh) so owning him and caring for him is a divided thing as well and comes with highs and lows..
Letting him ‘off the leash’ is a lot like freeing myself from the constant state of anxious, pent up, hyper-vigilance with is one of the symptoms of surviving narcissistic abuse or of having free feelings shamed, prohibited or disallowed or the true self also. That said, it may not always be best to spew our feelings out all scatter gun either.
This, for me, is a reflective post. I need to let any anger at my brother go this week, I was hitting things earlier in the week and actually broke a part off the stove door (at least this time I did not hurt myself) My brother obviously feels he is doing the best and protecting my sister and I and come to think of it he was so close to Dad I wonder where his grief went when he has a wife who is not the most loving or tender person really, can be so hard due to her own hard attitude to burying the loss of her own Mum when she was still only very young.. And yet even she is there for her younger sister in her illness, just like I have tried to be there for Sue, up til now, but lately feel too tired to do. So yet again, how can we say who is hard or soft.. I just dont know but I do know there are just people in life I am more comfortable being around these days, and it may seem selfish but its them I would rather spend my time with.
Well I better go and get my dog and put him in the bath tub now, as he stinks to high heaven… Mars moving forward is bringing clarity and a bit less reactivity for me. I am sure more will come to light as it inches back towards the waxing square with Pluto and Saturn.. Watch this space.
Emerging From The Dark Night 