I had some powerful dreams last night of trying to connect with my twin soul or inner masculine, there were a number of scenes in the dream which I feel had a connection to my mother and sister but in the final part I went to visit the family home which had changed and my father had taken a call from my loved one in which he was telling my father to tell me he loved me (in the dream my father actually looked a lot like my first ever therapist Brian, who I left in 1993 when he got sick and had to have an operation.. that was a huge trigger of my abandonment wound)..
In the dream I was to meet my loved one along a road, but I moved too far ahead, when I went to look back for him, I thought he may be waylaid or lost.. In the final scene in the dream I was with a woman in a priory who felt like my sister I heard knocking and had to unbolt a series of doors (four or five in all) and when I opened the last one he was standing there smiling at me.
Today I let the love I feel for Scott flow.. I really cannot hold it back any more.. It has been two years and 7 months now since we first connected and over that time it has not been clear he was genuine. In the relationship I have experienced so much of my own longing, loss and feelings over past attachments fraught with neglect, frustration, old buried needs, and sorrow and I cannot help but feel this has all been necessary, I even said this to him today.. He is taking steps to get my money back to me from the military.. He said my health and happiness comes first and so it isvery sad, we do not know when we will meet in the flesh as his deployment has no fixed end date at this point, although when 30 more months were added in October 2018 that would make it April next year.. But hearing on the radio today how reluctant the US military still is to pull troops out of Afghanistan it may be longer. I just found myself crying while texting him before patrol today.. My tummy also was hurting a lot. I told him this but I also said, “these are just feelings and I would rather be experiencing them even if they are painful”, for they also speak to me of love and attachments, its freeing to allow myself these.
The thing about hard core narcissists is they work hard to deny vulnerability, need or longing. I see so much of that in the way I have treated myself and even my ex husband at times, that said he could not meet me emotionally in the ways I needed quite like Scott seems to be able to. And in healing we do need to learn to be there for ourselves on an emotional level before we can successfully make a relationship work.
I read a long time ago in the work of Robert Firestone who does a lot on the fantasy bond, intimate attachments, negative voices and destructive thought processes associated with depression and suicidality that opening up to intimacy becomes particularly painful for those of us who have been hurt in intimate relationships or by wounding, traumatising or neglectful family or siblings before.. It inot rocket science and it is not always easy to get a handle on, be honest about or get past these fears which can appear in many ways and set up so many locked doors for us. That said I feel I made big steps today and over past days.. I just have a feeling of softness and unbreakable affection for Scott. They are s not something I can stop, I could try to put it aside but for now I do not want to.. Sometimes it seems too cruel that the means to bring him home exist but cannot be used but maybe we both have more lessons to learn alone before God can decide its time for us to meet on the earthly plane. For now I just have to accept the situation as well as all my feelings around it.. and let them pass on through.. for otherwise its too sad to keep blocking my heart from loving and opening up to love.
Emerging From The Dark Night 