In a deep place

It occurred to me today it may be selfish to suffer if my sister doesn’t connect with me. I should show empathy and compassion and not make it all about me.. Maybe she just goes to a deep place where she cannot be reached. To feel sad I can’t connect if I offer love is my issue I don’t need to suffer over it, it may feel painful but that pain does pass. If I can just bless the situation, I can take my next step forwards

Katina said today in therapy its only natural I worry a lot having had two sisters attempt suicide, fear of death haunts me at times having lost a lot of loved ones.

For me suicidal thoughts never led to actions and I had so so many low moments from 2004 to 2017. Some days WordPress saved my soul as I would post how I felt and someone lovingly responded just like yesterday so many of you reached out to me. I was so touched. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there as I know you get really tough days too. It is just part of the current human experience.

Today I am out and about. I needed some new bottoms for summer so I shouted myself and let the guilty thoughts of not deserving or being materialistic float on by and I’ve just finished lunch in my favorite spot. I am so lucky to be alive right now. Even on the sad painful.days there is so much goodness available.

Grief is one side of the life coin, love another so, intricately interwoven with in it. Joy is also there when I can embrace it all and use it as part of the soul path. I read a lovely piece of writing by Mark Nepo on this subject earlier. On the day his Dad died he had to receive an award. Part of him felt guilty but also he felt in those sad moments so open to the deep letting go and loss,completely opened to the fragile, tender beauty of life.

Holding his dying father’s hand in those final moments, tasting the profound bitter-sweet essence of it, opening his heart, not closing it, letting it be so he could also taste the love and joy. This is life accepted in all phases not as aberration but as necessity. Acceptance of the depths beyond superficial divides that keep life hollow, self referenced, superficial and shallow.