Scrambled ; today’s update

I know I am feeling a little scrambled this morning but so much has been going on in my mind and I have been getting out to walk Jasper two days before breakfast as my digestion and sleep has been all over the place, but that is not new. I just managed a very early lunch after a play at the oval and a walk in a calm place, came home cleaned out the car which was filthy and made my lunch while sorting things here.. During this time I saw a swirling flower in my vision. I get this sometimes and it was when a lot of ancestral stuff was ‘moving’ during my busy clean-a-thon,

I thought then of the time I just touched my Mum softly on the shoulders when she was in the middle of a cleaning binge and she burst into tears, it happened around the time Phil and I were breaking up.. poor Mum came all the way to the coast to try to help me as I was in such a panic. I need to remember in later years how Mum struggled to be there and put things right and sometimes over ran her own boundaries I need also to remember at times too, though, how she stymied both my sister and I growing and healing..

I heard something helpful on a television show last night, that when we do not know or even like ourselves much or feel we have worth its hard to set boundaries.. Today its been running over in my mind how I sent all my savings to someone I am still not 100 percent sure is genuine….when he disappears for days I get these thoughts and then I feel bit angry but today I prayed the Serenity Prayer and it helped. Going over in my mind while cleaning the house also was a lot of emotion from my inner child associated to how it was that I came to buy this place after my sister had been tricked and captured my family and involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility in Melbourne. When this happened I knew Mum was saying stuff behind her back to her older son and that she also made my sister feel she was wrong even if she was acting out of a lot of anxiety, drinking a little too much and a bit ‘off the air ‘ at times.., there was still more of a life urge in my sister then which now I see has having been almost completely decimated and this makes me cry and feel so horrified.. trulY HORRIFIED for her at times as well as scared and helpless.. I wish she could be helped to reclaim her power.. she gives it away far too much at times.!

It was then Mum forced my hand on the auction on this place.. It was meant to be but I felt forced and trapped, to follow would be my sister’s suicide attempt in 2013 my older sister’s death in 2014 and all the illnesses and hospitalisations of my Mum for knee surgery (botched), shattered veins and then heart problems in the final years leading to her death in 2017.. During this time my living sister was in and out of hospital up to 6 times..and I underwent 4 painful dental surgeries to address the trauma of lost teeth I suffered in my crash in 1979. I also underwent breast cancer in 2016.

Sadly my living sister was made to go back into hospital on the day of my older sister’s funeral in April 2014 and I did not know this until I got to the service… I had a big explosion over it at 3 am in the morning when my two other nephews came home drunk and then said they would leave as I was ‘sick’ just like their Mum. .They apologised the next day and things came right but one of these boys no longer speaks to me over me having got involved with Scott.. he claimed I was squandering his mother’s inheritance when it was ALL MY MONEY NO INHERITANCE MONEY AT ALL!!

I need to write all of this mess out as I have had to put up with so much in my family and just writing it out helps me to unscramble. Much as I want to help my sister it is still so far from easy at times and there is no much its not in my control to amend. .. My brother judges this sister as ‘irrational’ and ‘not good with money’ which is BS lies spawned by my Mum back at that challenging time I spoke of earlier. My sister was just trying to come alive after being left by her ex husband who struggled within the relationship.. Neither had the monopoly on being damaged, both had issues but as we all know the ending of a marriage is painful and launches on a quest for self healing. Or can cause mental illness.

Such is life in a family of multi-generational emotional neglect and attachment trauma riven with so many members none of them in 12 step programs and one seeking instead a false ‘cure’ through psychiatry… I am sick of trying to speak up for that path as its not my fault and other people are free to make their own choices.. I choose to feel my feelings, try to take action, find out what hurts me and EXPRESS IT RATHER THAN DEPRESS IT AND TRY NOT TO PUT MYSELF TO DEATH. For I have seen two siblings almost obliterated by the family disease and its FUCKING PAINFUL IS FOR ANY SOBER PERSON IN RECOVERY!

There that is my rant! I know there are deeper emotions underlying all of this. Today I am aware that there is far more forward movement in my life than there even was a few months ago. I am aware of the Mars force rising up too.. I had a long exchange with my friend Alex who is going through so much with his own family yesterday and I was pleased to hear him being able to find a voice and speak up.. He also shared some wonderful music with me.. such are the precious gifts of my WordPress family. I am getting great enlightenment from other’s posts too.. some of my favourite sites right now for positivity and recovery right now are :

Don’t Lose Hope

Poeticallyyours360

The Written Addiction

Growing Into Myself : Healing from complex trauma

TheFlowIntoWords

You all help me so much.. Thank you for being here. Here are people working to be loving and to learn about and value their own recovery… They do inspire me and I like to mention things that help. I will try to reblog anything I find that is helpful.

After writing I find I feel a little less scrambled. It is good to digest an earlier brunch and give my system time to digest in the morning after eating a lot at night.. I read a very good article this week after hearing an advert on You Tube about how the brain tries to clean itself at night and eliminate toxins which helped me to understand more of the complex relationship between my two ‘guts’ the one in my tummy and the one in my brain….processing and detoxing of so much goes on in our energy centers as we sleep and then wake at various times of the night (which may highlight which organ system is working hard to detox). We are always working to heal, grow, transform and make sense of things.. Such sense does not always come but sometimes it does. At other times we may find comfort instead through just a while resting in the mystery.. Today was not one of those days though. Today has been more of a taking action day while weathering the ongoing storm.