I am enjoying just being able to rest inside the silence of my own life today with Japser but a moment ago I found myself crying at how I got pulled into other’s agendas and lost myself and the suffering that then caused when I was almost erased. I saw it happening to me while part of me knew it wasn’t right and still I went along with it.. Is it that I thought the only power I could have would be in if a ‘stronger’ person came into my life to support me after Mum died? And what about the strength and courage I have shown in embracing my own PTSD condition and seeing it not as aberration but about what happens to the feminine in our society so geared around externals of doing and achieving instead of receptivity to the soul’s wish.
I look around at a lot of the changes happening in the world right now and see how far we are moving from nature. I have not visited the dog park near us for some time but yesterday I drove past and saw they have cut down all the old trees, I was horrified, I know some of them were old and damaged but to take them all down like this when the climate is warming.. I just don’t get it. I also had my head trauma activated by neighbors having a fence torn down and being reconstructed this morning at 8 am with no prior warning.. It sent me into a resonant trauma spiral as I felt every loud bang ricocheting through me… they finally sent a text at 10.30 to let know it was happening to which I haven’t replied. The way I feel about humans right now I really want to stay inside my own energy field and not be drawn into anything external the world I see out there is so violent in so many subtle ways.. There is the violence of bullying and abuse, the violence of emotions being over-ridden and negated and the violence of following rhythms so outside the natural flow of order that they are scrambling us… I just don’t want any part of that man made world any more.. My world is nature and its there I want to live. I can find a path out through my writing and that suits me best..
A quote that Carl Jung shared in one of his books comes to mind while writing this.. While spending some time in American with the Native American elders, one of the chiefs said to him : “we think the white man is crazy, he is always running like a mad man chasing things” and a lot of those things are fucking head trips… I also thought of how Anne Wilson Schaef who writes a lot on how society becomes an addict and the process of healing emotionally after coming to terms with an addiction says in one of her books that indigenous peoples believe those who have to shut down using addictions in our white culture are often more sensitive and do it as we cannot bear to live inside the devastating soul destroying heroic ethos that drives so much of our modern culture. Growing up we get conditioned to look outside, we are not taught about our emotions, nor to trust our inner voice and intuition. And then if we don’t ‘fit in’ or are different in some way we are then bullied or shamed, or people try to bend us to another shape.. This doesn’t happen in nature.. No oak seed tries to turn itself into a pine tree .We so rarely get the message growing up that who we are is unique and precious and that we don’t have to erase parts of ourselves to live in this world.
I also think so many of us have lost the feminine path, to being, inner attunement, soul receptivity and the melting of love.. We have to start first in our own lives to build that source of love up if it was torn away by parents, peers, institutions, religions, or other pressures. So many of us who cut away from the older order come to feel there is something wrong with us, rather than something right with us for feeling the truth, not being numb and seeking a better way.
Maybe it was some kind of gift for me coming out of a family burdened with so much multi-generational trauma that I got to see it. Kat was saying in therapy yesterday that going through what we do in terms of trauma and seeing the truth births in us both wisdom and compassion.. We have to start with ourselves and then extend that circle of love outside of ourselves too, even to embrace the shut down and wounded.. They may never come into the light, they may still get sucked up in the rat race of compulsive human doing or ‘achievement’ to escape an inner emptiness for all of their lives.. But it seems to me that those who ‘wake up’ on some level do suffer and go through a kind of breakdown..Caroline Myss gives this the terms ‘spiritual madness’. To be cut off from our true eternal spirit may indeed be a form of madness and we only start to gain peace when we can see and know and love the truth of who we are.
Finding and walking our own pathway may not be easy but its up to each of us to do it. For me peace most often comes about in the silence, it breaks through in moments of clarity after I have undergone many storms.. as do powerful realisations it is not always easy to share with others dawn upon me and I try to give some expression to them via poetry
I only know I want to embrace more of this inner peace, for I can see that being pulled into other’s stress is something that we all have to guard against, sadly its happened to me for most of my life. Thomas Moore writes a lot about this issue in his wonderful book Dark Nights of the Soul. Others so often have an agenda its sad to say, I know its not everyone but it is true for a lot of people. There is projection and sometimes you become the target of it.. And then we can get captured. I have undergone major lessons with this since May 2018 and it was associated with a Mars Pluto transit…. pulling my own power back from the aggressive agendas and strong self will of others is taking time.. I lacked a self for so long I was often just dumped on.. I wont let it happen any more. Mars slowing to trine my North Node in Leo over the next few weeks is driving the lesson home. And staying in my own energy field is essential. Its the only way to genuine peace and soul contentment for me these days.
Emerging From The Dark Night 