The hunger for love set up by narcissistic deprivation : today’s reflections

The past week has been intense for me. Intense in spikes of anger over unfair treatment I set myself up for due to emotional hunger, intense in being confronted with others with a lot of anger who somehow found a projection screen in my own recent challenges with my brother, intense in the feelings of fear of death due to obliteration of feelings that forms such a huge part of the PTSD I ended up solidifying ‘on the run’ to survive as my true self. Intense in feeling the energy imprint of the head trauma coming on the back of being rejected emotionally.

My head is still in a bit of a spin this afternoon… I had to get out of the house about 12, it took ages to eat again and heavy heavy rain fell all night, from about 11 pm onwards. I actually woke up with a different kind of energy dynamic to hear the bing of a text from Scott. I shut him out until Tuesday again, only to try and confront him over things and then to be asked to send even more money.. Yesterday I was storming about the house slamming things after going to the nursery to get some plants to plant up. Stabbing a knife in the chopping board, pretending it was his testicles and then screaming.. poor old Jasper ran out to take refuge in the garage on his comfy chair with the knitted Nana blanket.. Luckily I have been able to express some of it and unpack it all in therapy this after noon with Kat. She told me I am doing well, but it still hurts to know I gave all my money to this guy and am now left nearly emptied out and he doesnt even seem to feel he has done anything wrong It seems its myself I have to forgive too, for the hunger to be connected, for the loneliness that opened up after Mum died. None of this I can change. I can only move on from here.

This happening has even made me more determined to move outside of my ‘trauma capsule’. We discussed this in therapy today, how trauma can capture us and then set us up for more trauma, due to trauma bonding, a hell of a lot of pain has to be faced as we come face to face with the raw, gaping trauma wound we carry.. Its not a pretty sight and it makes us unattractive to others and we do not get the compassion for it, nor deeper insight until we find a good, skilled therapist and begin to separate out the Truer healthier Self inside of us, or central witnessing consciousness that can learn, over time, to hold and release the stored trauma charge and offer our hurting self that unconditional understanding and acceptance.

I sometimes feel the stored trauma charge as pockets of almost electric socket shock energy my body carries and it relates back to some of the maelstroms my G G Grandfather would fly into around dinner time when he came home drunk after the pub. My poor Mum carried all of this and we siblings each carried a part of it, though my brother seemed to escape some of that legacy and perhaps carries more of my father’s which did not have the physical violence component. Just the absence and loss of Dad losing his own father at 12 and then leaving his home country far behind for the rest of his life (a similar pattern to my GG Grandad on Mum’s side.)

I met a good friend on Tuesday (Mars day) and she was hammering me with what she sees as the bad way my brother has treated me.. She went into a big tirade about men and power and toxic masculinity and while there was some truth in it I felt a bit pinned in place as we were together for over 2 hours and it was hard to get away. She later apologised and said she has been feeling intense anger building since Sunday, and its no surprise to me with Mars soon to turn direct while facing off with its opposite Venus.

I often think my brother’s sin is more one of omission that commission. He turns away and gets involved in his own affairs and its Mum who set up the inheritance disbursement in the way she did and that was really burning me today.. She gave the power to the oldest son who was so often absent while we two girls who stood my her through so many illnesses were shut out and left with no power over what she has left to us. I was crying and having a big talk with her earlier today as I strode about in the pouring lane by the lake. Add this to the money worries with Scott and all I can do is think of selling up and moving as far away from it all with Jasper leaving no forwarding address, and yet I know that is not a helpful solution either. Its all Saturn Mars Pluto stuff.

Add to this (as I mentioned before) Venus and Mars are facing off right now in opposition with Mars retrograde soon to move direct (in 8 days) so there will be alot of conflict going on between the part of us that must fight to be seen and the part of us that longs to be open to receive and no longer run roughshod over.

Anyway , all i can do tonight is make a nice meal and hunker down with Jasper.. I think I have to cut app contact again for a while, I need to get my head straight. I was doing much better with no contact with Scott and Jasper didn’t even get walked today.. its been a deluge of rain over the past 18 hours… I really need to practice self care right now, it burns me to see how emotional hunger made me give so much away and I no longer want to be longing for love, it has to start from within first.. I need to find someone who does not just want to take and take from me, but really has something to give in return.

That said he came into my life under a Uranus transit to my Mars Saturn Moon and with his strong Uranus signature maybe he was meant to stir all this up for me. I do think it has to do with breaking out of an old entrenched emotional pattern (Moon rules emotions) and coming into my power.. It also has to do with boundary issues… Its not easy holding the charges of wounding and deprivation and hunger, but we all have to learn ways for self care and to fight for our right to exist and not be obliterated in the face of someone else’s hunger or need or even projections.