When so much becomes too much.

There is so much in my past life I cannot put right.. So much that was broken that I struggled with…and then there was the trying, to be connected, to give expression to the truth, to make sense of my decisions and of the past.. At times it all feels just a little too enormous.. At times some of the wrong steps taken after Mum died seem impossible to repair and I blame myself and then someone tries to blame me too for stuff that is just not fair TO THE POINT I FEEL THEY ARE USING ME AS A TOXIC DUMPING GROUND.

I am powerless even over that.. my only constructive choice seems to be I must finally disengage. When someone puts you through hell and bends your arm behind your back (metaphorically speaking) while hitting you over the head repeatedly with false judgements accusing you of playing them when you failed to meet the goalposts their will and ego set up it makes you feel like you want to murder that person. That they could USE YOU AND THEN ERASE YOUR REALITY COMPLETELY.. while lying and claiming they love unconditionally when really their love is all conditional on you jumping through their goal posts and then seeing that in some way you allowed yourself to fall for it again. That you set yourself up for that situation.

There has to come a time for the neglected or traumatised when we say enough is enough. There has to come a time we say we deserve far better and to know it won’t happen if we do not fight for it… A time to overcome the low self esteem birthed in us by neglect and invalidation. There is at time when so much becomes too much. For the truth is we all have a breaking point. We all have a limit and sometimes forgiveness is not the right choice if it means repeatedly re-opening the door to abuse, minimisation or ongoing trauma.