There is nothing to be found ‘out there’ that can trump being at home with your soul.

I think time with the soul is my most essential resource.. I am seeing it more and more lately. Having let myself be pulled in by someone stronger’s will again has made me see how this theme keeps repeating.. and in a way I sold my soul out when I agreed to keep sending him money. The whole thing makes me sick to the stomach to be honest and I am angry too I could not hold against him a boundary back in March when he started hammering me again.

It is clear to me that having the sense I was being twisted and hit one day before I had caved and decided to send him that birthday money was about this. The truth is on the Friday I was in such a spun out terrible state and fighting a virus it was impossible to do. This Thursday he started on about it again and when I got angry he then accused me of ‘playing him’. Well matey there is an essential bill of rights and its says we have the right change our minds, and it was not even that, by the time it came up again but I so sick late it was impossible to do it. I know that when Mars and Mercury are retrograde the Self will not let us overstep what the soul needs for us to become whole and follow our genuine path. I had such an intense reaction at 6 pm yesterday after reading his texts I nearly threw up my dinner. This not on, the way he has been treating me. Its not fair. It is narcissistic abuse.

I watched an episode of Vera last night which revolved around the loss of a mother for two characters. It moved me so deeply being screened just two days out from what would have been my Mum’s 96th birthday had she lived. I realised last night that maybe due to my trauma and grief journey I will always live alone.. i feel if I share my life it will be in healing circles with others prepared to own their pain, but not with a man trying to use me. No man has ever shown me he is capable of giving me the understanding and empathy I need to feel loved.. I know now IT HAS TO COME FROM WITHIN AND THIS LAST DISAPPOINTMENT AT THE HANDS OF SOMEONE WHO OFFERED ME THE WORLD CUTS DEEP BUT I HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND SEE IT AS A NECESSARY LESSON!

Going around to see family was lovely today, but i felt so alone coming home. Jasper was drenched when i got back as its been raining non stop since last night, he was resting on the couch. I called Kat my therapist today as the loneliness felt too huge and the pain over how Scott has treated me even worse.. I know i will live through this.. But what i need most is MY OWN LOVE, TENDERNESS AND COMPASSION.. IT IS MY SOUL I MOST HUNGER FOR.. not anyone else’s. No one else can help me to feel whole, and I haven’t yet found a guy who truly validates my journey. However how I am is how I am. My boundaries are mine.., not for you to dispute or judge or change.. The truth is I cannot take another journey. At this point I just have to own it and go on alone.