I spent over an hour browing in the bookshop for a gift for my grand nephew this afternoon and ended up getting hit on the head by some falling books which is par for the course with my head trauma attracting more head trauma. I was trying to pick up four picture books when the others fell.
Anyway I walked away with a Paul Jennings book and a copy of Ripley’s Believe It or Not Fun Facts & Silly Stories for Kids, I hope Lewis likes them. I got a bit of a potted insight into junior fiction while I was there. I am tired and very phlegmy after this cold. I am not eating the right things right now and not eating enough. Everything feels overwhelming, the garden is overwhelming, the heavy rain soaked the old rug I put into the garage after getting the new one about 5 weeks ago and I spent 45 minutes out cutting back the ivy and honeysuckle that have gone wild with all the rain and clearing up a lot of strewn mess from my tulip tree out there while jasper looked on. Anyway its good to get active and I feel better for the exercise when I chill back down.
I had a huge fight with Scott last night.. He got on my back about not sending money for his cake and wine last Friday. I got so sick on Friday I could not stand up, I ended up taking myself off to bed. I felt rage at him for saying I had gone back on my word, he is forcing me to help all the time and each time I set a boundary he fails to respect it. I called him selfish and told him I think he has a massive sense of entitlement. I even swore. I am not going to feel guilty.. I don’t deserve having all this shit loaded onto me. I wrote a post about it last night but did not post it.
I have lost so much weight in recent months.. My body hurts a lot. that is nothing new but I had to stop this happening to me.. All the promises made to help can only happen if I send more money and I am not prepared to do it. I heard the app notification go off in the bookshop earlier but I am not opening anything up for a few days. I just feel so angry with him and I have been praying for help with the anger, its not comfortable to feel this enraged. That said anger HAPPENS FOR A REASON, I have to take the necessary action. If you give this guy an inch he asks for a mile and there is always a ‘poor me’ story to go alone with it.. For now I have to face I AM ALONE AND I HAVE TO CARRY MY LIFE ALONE, I was back in a super depressed place before therapy yesterday. Its been hard to see a way forward but I will keep fighting. I am not being bloody minded over this I was so genuinely ill last Friday and that he shows fuck all empathy bloody cuts me to the core. I have had enough!
Emerging From The Dark Night 