The snap and twist with ongoing surges and pulls in energy have been quiet powerful today. Considering the gathering intensity of Mars soon to turn direct I am re experiencing how hard it was to let go and relax as a child and hard too to assert feelings and frustrations. I look around powerlessly at times wondering how I got to here. The symptoms abate when I break free of my house by mid day..But I also find it a warm cocoon of rest and a haven of peace at dusk. There is not as much crying at the triggering time of day coinciding with being left all alone as a child and the second head injury in past weeks.
Today I thought of how confined two sisters became but I dreamed of my living sister last night. We were both due to board a KLM flight but she just took off for the waiting plane on the tarmac before me and gave me no help with all my baggage of which there was a lot. The dream made me realise on waking that since Mum died 3 years ago I’ve carried a lot of the sad feelings, at the same time as I’ve tried to connect with her older son and his kids. Then I feel guilty as I chose never to have kids or could not fall pregnant later in our marriage when I would have been ready. I worry that I am placing a burden on them as I love children a lot. But it is not only that I am a very family oriented person even if I live alone and due to Complex PTSD have, in past years due to family attachment trauma, failed to be able to be connected or reach out at times.
It is helpful at least to recognise all of this. At the same time my soul is hungering for the UK. At this time of year my great great grandparents would have been preparing for the huge sea voyage to New Zealand. They boarded the Dilharee a huge ship on 12 December 1874 and that is the exact date Mum passed in 2017. They left from Cornwall and last night watching the new version of Rebecca on Netflix I felt such a longing for that wild coast that lives so deeply in my cellular DNA…This all befits retrograde Mercury in Scorpio too now squaring my Mars Saturn Moon. I also cried as I felt so much love for my gg grandad Thomas who lost his Mum at 12 and then didn’t take to his step Mum. Another brother left with he and his wife Eliza Jane and the first baby Eliza Jane died shortly after they arrived in New Zealand. One more baby girl Eliza Jane died as an infant a few years later and the the third Eliza Jane namesake was my great grandmother.
English shows have been reducing me to tears since Thursday when I watched the final episode of season two of the drama The Split. One of the main lead actors Barry Atsma is also Dutch like my Dad and hearing that faint accent of his so often reminds me of my Dad who never lost his.
Its good to let these feelings flow out. Who knows if and when I will get back to the UK. I consider it my souls true home in many ways although I know Australia offered my Dad a freedom there was a price paid when he left Holland behind and failed to keep much connection with his siblings and their kids. And my gg grandfather never got to see his Dad left behind in harsh conditions in Cornwall and I was shown a heartbreaking letter some years ago he wrote to his son expressing such sadness and longing. This was by a great stroke of luck or angelic guidance revealed to me by a relative I traced on an ancestry site a few years before Mum died.
Well the sun is out today. Im writing this in my car by the lake. I will go for a brisk walk soon. My throat is still sore today and I’m coughing up a lot of bloody gunk which feels more than just my own stuff…part of the cerebrospinal fluids I feel circulating through organ systems and along the spiral flows of limb meridians.
Guides told me the evolution of Mars happens in families and I feel that in my life..it is hard to articulate all this complex energy/ancestral stuff I sense but I know I need to work hard to connect with my grand nieces and nephews. I need them and maybe they need me. I love them with all my heart even if past trauma has kept me so very disconnected at times and family misjudgement or fears worked to keep us separate. I must not deny these deep deep ancestral attachment longings and flows but honor them. I feel that most powerfully today.
Emerging From The Dark Night 